Maddie and I have continued talking quite a lot recently. It seems to me that our drive home together some weeks ago had a similar emotional effect on her as it had on myself.
On that drive home, I think that we both faced up to the fact that although we’ve never been “together” after all this time, that her upcoming secondment to London means that we will be further “apart” once again.
I’ve come to believe that she and I really are soulmates, at least on some level. We always have a need for each other in our lives, but something always gets in the way of there ever being anything more. If you’ve read this entire site, you’ll know that on plenty of ocassions we have been “close” to being together.
Tonight I am away interstate in Melbourne for work, and I’m sitting here in my quiet hotel room, craving company. I feel so lonely tonight.
I’m craving Maddie.
I have always worried that if ever the day came that we did find ourselves “together” that we suddenly discovered that we just weren’t right for each other once the relationship took that kind of step.
Currently I’m in one of those phases where all I want to do is tell Maddie that I love her. It’s fair to say that I often feel that way, that much is certainly true – but phases of my mind like this are when it becomes far more intense.
Almost pathological – like, it’s so embedded in my mind that it is almost a disease that infects my mind and takes over. Perhaps “Maddie Syndrome”?
Ha, I laughed as I typed that.
I think something that always holds me back is what might happen if I tried to tell her? What might happen if she says no? Would our friendship fade?
What if she says yes, and as I talked about above, we figure out that it’s not right for us? Does our friendship fade after something like that too?
What if her relationship with her new man goes so well that they get married? I would be insanely happy for both of them, but where does that leave me?
Am I destined to be single for the rest of my life?
As I have discussed before, I’ve never been against following romantic leads with other women – and obviously from this blog I have absolutely tried to – but Maddie still lingers.
She’s still that unanswered question in my life. That perennial “what if” in my heart.
I can’t do it now – I just can’t. With her going to London for two years – (at least) – I can’t see how starting something now – (yes, dreaming a bit) – could last her going to London for two years.
And that’s not far away from starting.
Yes, I’ve loved her from a distance for more than 40 years – and this again would be another distance for us, but the intimacy of our friendship has changed so much in the last few years, when we have spent more time together, and interacted more regularly than we’ve ever done before.
It’s different now, so different.
Five years ago, if you suggested that Maddie and I would be sending each other messages to each other at all times of the day and night, I would have laughed at you so hard. Yet, there was one about 2 hours ago from her.
Just seeing her name on my phone makes me smile.
I’ve always been a lonely man. I take my feelings of loyalty so seriously, that even when relationships fail, my loyalty to people means I can take months and months, or even years to move on properly.
I can’t process emotions quickly.
Maddie however, is still a constant. We’ve been on the brink of being together, probably four times over the years, but never managed to get there – but neither of us get the other out of our systems.
It would be so so easy to say that that means something. That her loyalty to me matches mine for her, and that if one of us ever just “got the fuck over the fear” and took the plunge, that we could finally start living happily ever after.
But my personal values get in the way – “never mow another man’s lawn” a friend once told me, and I’ve always believed in that. I would never for a moment consider doing a single thing to break Maddie and her man up, just so I could slide in and take his place.
I will never cause her any pain, even if it were for my own benefit.
I see myself “below” Maddie in this aspect. By “below” I’m not saying I automatically put her up on a pedestal with myself looking up. That wouldn’t be an unfair view of the situation, but that’s not how I view it on an emotional level.
I just mean that I have always put her needs first. I would always put her needs first if we ever do manage to get together. I could never be any different than that with her.
Causing her pain, just for my benefit, would be abhorrent to me.
I also see her above me in that I am somewhat sexually submissive. I’ve always been attracted to women who like to be bold in a relationship. Not just take the man’s lead all the time.
Not dominant, just confident enough to take charge of a situation when she wants or needs to. I never got that vibe from Maddie in the early years, but her career and training for that career requires her to be confident and assertive in her daily work.
I’ve seen that change in her – (remember, she started her current career a bit later in life) – since her current job started. It suits her, and that’s attractive too.
I think she’s still just as non-confident and shy in her personal life though – just like me – but I do get the feeling that if one of us or both of us get past that, that would show through. It’s actually pretty sexy to think about.
If she were single right now, I might even consider saying something – but with her leaving for London in a few weeks, it wouldn’t be the time.
Yes, I’ve always been a lonely man – I’ve always either been craving Maddie, struggling with disfuynctional relationships that I have been in, or just struggling with loneliness.
I am so lonely tonight.
If she were to knock on this hotel room door, I would hold her in my arms the doorway until the moment letting go seemed to arrive.
We would sit, and talk…and drink wine. I’m sure room service would assist us there.
I just need her here.
Honestly, I just need someone here – even if it weren’t Maddie.
I don’t want to be here alone tonight.
