As I write this live moment tonight, I’m starting to feel a little better about things. I still miss Maddie deeply and profoundly – but now that she’s settled a little, and we’re talking even though we are half a world apart, I can feel our closeness again.
I hate that I can’t just call her up and have lunch – but she’ll be back one day.
I’ve actually just been reading back through the posts on this site, and joining dots in my head – thinking about some of the blanks I want to fill in. Colouring the story in between the lines, so to speak.
When I read back, naturally by mind locks back into how I felt at the various points along the journey, and the twists and turns of the road.
Tonight one thing the really became clear was how unlucky Maddie has been in love. I don’t mean to make it sound like there have been dozens of men in her life – (because there simply haven’t been) – but the various men who have come along all have seemed perfect for her at first, or at least, the ones I have met myself over the years.
She’s been engaged a couple of times, but never gotten married. The men have seemed to me to all have been quite different from one another – Maddie doesn’t seem to have “a type”.
Things seem to go well for a while – and suddenly she’s single again. She rarely says anything about it, her photos on Facebook just suddenly start including herself only.
I never ask. I know she would talk to me about it if she wanted to and/or needed too. I would also never pry.
Yet tonight, I’m just sitting here simply not understanding how they have all allowed her to get away.
How could anyone let this amazing woman get away from them?
I know that pain because I’ve managed to let her get away any number of times – and so I get how crazy they have been to let her get away too.
I look into Maddie’s magnificent blue eyes, coupled with the warmest smile you could ever know, and feel the kindest heart in the world.
Yet, just like me – so often she ends up alone.
I’ve never wished it upon her, even if it gave myself more chance to have chance with her again. Her current partner seems to me to be a really great guy and I wish the best for them, even if it gave myself less chance to have a chance with her again.
Yet selfishly, there is a tiny little part of me that wishes it on my loneliest nights – but I’m not going to be the catalyst.
If we ever end up together, it will be because we find each other – not because one of us forced anything.
Tonight I just see those blue eyes. and the pain she hides behind them – I just hope she doesn’t end up alone ever again.
It has just gone 8pm in Eastern Australia, and just past 11am in London. Maddie and I have just been on the phone for about four hours, just talking.
Thank heavens for internet calling – 30 years ago that would have cost a small fortune!
Sunday is usually my quiet day, where I take it easy doing a few odd jobs around the house, and even spend time napping, restoring energy for the upcoming new work week.
Even my son hasn’t been here this week, he’s spending a couple of weeks back in Victoria with his mother. As such it has been extra quiet and extra relaxing.
It was in the middle of one of my naps that Maddie called me.
“Hi Andrew…………………..I miss you…”
“Maddie, I miss you too, so so much..”
We didn’t speak about anything specifically, it was just catching up.
We talked about all the hassles she’s had getting herself set up over there. She actually starts working tomorrow, so she’s planning a quiet Sunday too to recharge for the first day of her new career stage.
I’m so proud of her.
Life still feels so broken to me though. It always feels like it’s not all that far away from a time we could be together. I think we both know that we have enough between us where it could easily work.
She’s over there. I’m over here. Her man is still over here.
And then my shoulders slump.
He’s supposed to join her in London in a few months, and I guess I am jealous.
No, actually, I really am jealous. I have to start admitting that to myself.
But as I’ve said a lot of times, I will never get in their way. I will never cause her pain by being the cause of that relationship breaking down. I care about her too much to interfere.
Yet, that leaves me on the outside looking in. Looking in with respect for what she has, but with a deep pain in my heart for what I can’t have.
I wonder what would happen if I just got on a plane and went to visit?
I posted some time ago about the two songs that mean the most to me when it comes to Maddie – two songs that touched me deeply in the times they were released, and related closely to how I felt about Maddie at the time.
The special moment in time I am re-living tonight is a beautiful visual memory of what was probably on 15 or 20 seconds I shared with her, not long after she came back after I thought I had lost her forever, and locks in why Touch of Paradise is one my true Maddie songs.
We were in separate home-room groups in that second year, and while I was over the moon that she was still around, it was disappointing to not be in the same class. I just didn’t get to see her all day every day like I craved, and like I was used to.
It was nearing the end of the lunch break one day. I was heading to my locker to get my books ready for the next class, and it seemed like she had just finished doing the same thing.
The lockers for her class were around the corner of a building from where the lockers for my class were – and as I walked along towards my locker, Maddie rounded the corner and was walking straight towards me.
Her face lit up when she saw me, and I’m sure that mine did too. Her big beautiful smile – (to this day, still one of my favourite things about how she looks) – just beamed with energy.
There was a little bit of wind, and behind her were trees full of bright green leaves that were swaying in that breeze. It teased and tossed her long blonde hair as she walked.
I was spellbound.
Not a word was spoken as we passed by each other, but the energy was electric.
Whenever I hear Touch of Paradise it is exactly this moment I think about when it get to the line, “well the trees vibrate when our eyes meet.”
If I have a single favourite visual memory of Maddie from almost 40 years – this is it.
The song had been painful over the Christmas holidays, but now it was beautiful.
It’s been a while since I’ve dropped a Musical Moment into this blog – and with Maddie having recently left for London, and the subsequent struggle I’ve been going through, music has been a bit of a light in the darkness.
I’ve been looking for songs from our school years – as that’s how I want to feel at the moment. A step back into the innocence of those early years.
Then all of a sudden YouTube through this at me – it is perfect. Even back then this was one of many songs I held in my heart for Maddie.
It’s also kind of how I feel about things right now. I’ve not heard very much from Maddie since she arrived in London, given she’s super busy setting up her apartment and settling into her job over there.
I have been living outside of my body ever since, and I’ve done a lot of crying.
While there is currently no plan for her not to return to Australia at the end of the two years, and we will absolutely stay in touch while she’s away, I can’t help but feeling she is just……………..gone.
I can’t call her up and arrange a coffee or a lunch together. That’s been a regular part of both of our lives for quite a few years, so just not being able to do it – well, it hurts.
It was immensely gratifying that she asked me to drive her to the airport, and I think – (like me) – that it was painful for her to go. We’re not together, we’ve never been together, and she has her man.
But I think she’s feeling the “loss” too. Her asking me to drive her was an extended way for both of us to say goodbye.
She is still with her man, and while at this stage she has gone to London without him, he is apparently going to join her later.
Yet, in recent weeks, possibly even months – I’ve noticed her not talking about him as much, and interacting more with me. I’ve not pried into it, as it’s not my business – but there’s been a bit of a vibe that not everything is well.
If I were to keep my rational hat on, I would guess that’s about their impending time apart too. That they’ve been trying to understand how it all affects their relationship.
That would be absolutely fair enough, yet it’s all up to them – I’m not going to interfere.
Her increased interaction with me has been nice, but also strange. I don’t want to feel like I’m the “other man”. It has just been a little bit more, but enough more to be noticeable. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t want to think about it, lest it does my head in.
Which it would.
But for now, I don’t have my Maddie nearby, and it hurts like hell.
These next two years are going to be a nightmare.
My best friend. The only person who really gets me.
I’m ready to start a new category – given the main story I have told on this site has now reached the present day, this is me going back and filling in little moments in time between Maddie and myself. Colouring in the gaps, if you like.
This particular moment was both terrifying and wonderful, exciting and nerve racking – all at the same time.
Once a year, the school Maddie and I went to together held ballroom dancing lessons during PE classes. I say typically, because I don’t remember it happening in our Year 7 classes, but certainly in Years 8, 9, and 10 we did.
Most students hated it, especially me.
Maddie was – as you know – always in my heart through our school years. Even at times there were feelings for others, I still always loved her. That’s never changed.
As we were not in the same class group again until Year 10, I always hated the ballroom dancing block of “syllabus”.
It meant I had to put my arms around and hold hands with girls who, well………………..weren’t Maddie.
Of course, not meaning disrespect to them – but I always felt awkward and a little bit icky to be in contact with another girl in that way.
It actually depressed me.
By the time Year 10 came along and we were back in the same class group, although there was still a feeling of not really wanting to do ballroom dancing, the one spark was the chance to do it with Maddie.
To put the time in context, it had been a few months since our chat in the library, and we still of course hadn’t completely cleared the air in which we stood with each other.
So this was still an odd time in our friendship – we cared for each other, but didn’t know what that meant.
The classes were always in the school gym, in two circles of about 30 students – a circle of the boys on the inside, and a circle of the girls on the outside. The girls would move around the circle of boys, one-by-one, and share a chorus of ballroom dancing together, before the next move around the circle.
Usually a couple of minutes each – so within the hour-long class, each girl got to dance with each of the boys for those couple of minutes.
It still felt ‘wrong’ to dance with girls who weren’t Maddie – and the whole time I was watching the circle move around, getting closer and closer to my turn to dance with Maddie.
Because things were still a bit distant between us, there was a slight tension when we found ourselves with our arms around each other.
That said, it was still a warm moment between us. We greeted each other with a smile and a hello – saying some of the words without saying some of the words.
It felt fabulous to be close to her. It was almost intimate.
It was the first time I had really held her, aside from a few hugs over the years.
My heart was pounding, and it broke my heart when the music and Maddie moved onto the next pairing, letting someone else be close to her.
It was still so beautiful though.
I remember we caught ourselves in a stare and smiling like idiots at each other.
I felt like kissing her – but it wasn’t the time for that, even if it would have been frowned upon during class.
It is all so clear in my mind – if I walked back into that school gym today, I believe I could place myself right on the same spot – the memory is that clear.
I still don’t know what the future holds for Maddie and I, but if there is ever to be anything – this was our first truly personal moment together.
Maddie and I have continued talking quite a lot recently. It seems to me that our drive home together some weeks ago had a similar emotional effect on her as it had on myself.
On that drive home, I think that we both faced up to the fact that although we’ve never been “together” after all this time, that her upcoming secondment to London means that we will be further “apart” once again.
I’ve come to believe that she and I really are soulmates, at least on some level. We always have a need for each other in our lives, but something always gets in the way of there ever being anything more. If you’ve read this entire site, you’ll know that on plenty of ocassions we have been “close” to being together.
Tonight I am away interstate in Melbourne for work, and I’m sitting here in my quiet hotel room, craving company. I feel so lonely tonight.
I’m craving Maddie.
I have always worried that if ever the day came that we did find ourselves “together” that we suddenly discovered that we just weren’t right for each other once the relationship took that kind of step.
Currently I’m in one of those phases where all I want to do is tell Maddie that I love her. It’s fair to say that I often feel that way, that much is certainly true – but phases of my mind like this are when it becomes far more intense.
Almost pathological – like, it’s so embedded in my mind that it is almost a disease that infects my mind and takes over. Perhaps “Maddie Syndrome”?
Ha, I laughed as I typed that.
I think something that always holds me back is what might happen if I tried to tell her? What might happen if she says no? Would our friendship fade?
What if she says yes, and as I talked about above, we figure out that it’s not right for us? Does our friendship fade after something like that too?
What if her relationship with her new man goes so well that they get married? I would be insanely happy for both of them, but where does that leave me?
Am I destined to be single for the rest of my life?
As I have discussed before, I’ve never been against following romantic leads with other women – and obviously from this blog I have absolutely tried to – but Maddie still lingers.
She’s still that unanswered question in my life. That perennial “what if” in my heart.
I can’t do it now – I just can’t. With her going to London for two years – (at least) – I can’t see how starting something now – (yes, dreaming a bit) – could last her going to London for two years.
And that’s not far away from starting.
Yes, I’ve loved her from a distance for more than 40 years – and this again would be another distance for us, but the intimacy of our friendship has changed so much in the last few years, when we have spent more time together, and interacted more regularly than we’ve ever done before.
It’s different now, so different.
Five years ago, if you suggested that Maddie and I would be sending each other messages to each other at all times of the day and night, I would have laughed at you so hard. Yet, there was one about 2 hours ago from her.
Just seeing her name on my phone makes me smile.
I’ve always been a lonely man. I take my feelings of loyalty so seriously, that even when relationships fail, my loyalty to people means I can take months and months, or even years to move on properly.
I can’t process emotions quickly.
Maddie however, is still a constant. We’ve been on the brink of being together, probably four times over the years, but never managed to get there – but neither of us get the other out of our systems.
It would be so so easy to say that that means something. That her loyalty to me matches mine for her, and that if one of us ever just “got the fuck over the fear” and took the plunge, that we could finally start living happily ever after.
But my personal values get in the way – “never mow another man’s lawn” a friend once told me, and I’ve always believed in that. I would never for a moment consider doing a single thing to break Maddie and her man up, just so I could slide in and take his place.
I will never cause her any pain, even if it were for my own benefit.
I see myself “below” Maddie in this aspect. By “below” I’m not saying I automatically put her up on a pedestal with myself looking up. That wouldn’t be an unfair view of the situation, but that’s not how I view it on an emotional level.
I just mean that I have always put her needs first. I would always put her needs first if we ever do manage to get together. I could never be any different than that with her.
Causing her pain, just for my benefit, would be abhorrent to me.
I also see her above me in that I am somewhat sexually submissive. I’ve always been attracted to women who like to be bold in a relationship. Not just take the man’s lead all the time.
Not dominant, just confident enough to take charge of a situation when she wants or needs to. I never got that vibe from Maddie in the early years, but her career and training for that career requires her to be confident and assertive in her daily work.
I’ve seen that change in her – (remember, she started her current career a bit later in life) – since her current job started. It suits her, and that’s attractive too.
I think she’s still just as non-confident and shy in her personal life though – just like me – but I do get the feeling that if one of us or both of us get past that, that would show through. It’s actually pretty sexy to think about.
If she were single right now, I might even consider saying something – but with her leaving for London in a few weeks, it wouldn’t be the time.
Yes, I’ve always been a lonely man – I’ve always either been craving Maddie, struggling with disfuynctional relationships that I have been in, or just struggling with loneliness.
I am so lonely tonight.
If she were to knock on this hotel room door, I would hold her in my arms the doorway until the moment letting go seemed to arrive.
We would sit, and talk…and drink wine. I’m sure room service would assist us there.
I just need her here.
Honestly, I just need someone here – even if it weren’t Maddie.
I’ve been trying to write again for some time, but it has been difficult. I have a couple of trains of thought that I am putting into words, but are not ready to publish.
The car ride home with Maddie last time around has affected me a lot of late. The emotion of our embrace at the end of that meeting has driven my mind into places that I have never felt before, not even with Maddie.
It has made me happy, and it has made me sad. To soon be losing her for a couple of years still causes me great anguish, yet I am still so happy for the opportunity that has befallen her. I honestly could not be happier for her.
I’m still terrified that she might not come home.
I still don’t know how her adventure affects her relationship with her man – I’ve been too scared to ask. I don’t want to create a pattern of thought in her that makes her think of me as an option again.
Given how much that I love Maddie, I know that sounds strange – but I will never cause her any pain, I will not be the catalyst of her relationship with him breaking down.
If she and I will ever be, it will start from level ground. Two souls, grounded and alone who find each other again, and build something unencumbered by the past.
I will not hurt her.
Yet, I have sensed a change in her in recent weeks.
Before her new man appeared, we would be constantly messaging each other, sharing memes and Instagram reels, at all hours of the day and night.
When he did appear, that dropped to almost nothing – and I understood that. Once again, I was not going to be a factor in the course her relationship takes.
I didn’t want him to ask her, “why do you need Andrew?”
I guess it is a flaw in me, that I hold my integrity so steadfastly. That might again sound strange – why wouldn’t I chase the woman I want so much? It could easily be that if I chased hard right now, I would get somewhere spectacular after so many years.
But I respect Maddie, and I respect him. My personal value of integrity quite possibly holds me back from that one place I want to be.
In Maddie’s arms, always.
It’s funny though – she has started messaging me more regularly again. Not as much as before, but the times of day and night are curious. It’s like she is laying awake in bed, watching reels, and thinks of me and sends them to me.
Just last night, there was one at 3am.
Just a little bit brighter of a light from Maddie.
Naturally, I’m wondering what this means.
Probably nothing, but I know I will overthink it, and the roller-coaster will start again.
The progressing of this story has reached basically the present day. There are still blanks I can fill in, and I think I will add more pieces over time. Colour in a little more between the lines, tell more stories of Maddie.
However at the moment I am truly struggling with how I feel about where things are with her. As I’ve talked about recently both here and here, Maddie’s impending departure has caused me great happiness and deep sadness.
I am rarely finding myself with the ability to cope in recent weeks.
We had opportunity a week or two ago to spend an extended period of time together, the first time since she had told me about her secondment.
My car was in for servicing, and I had caught a cab into work – stupidly expensive as I don’t live that close to the CBD where I work. Maddie and I found ourselves texting during the day – she understood as she always did, that I was upset, and was checking in on me – as she always did.
She offered to come and drive me home, rather than catching another expensive cab home at the end of the day. She lives in the complete opposite direction from the city than I do, so it was really going out of her way to help out.
I think it was more a clever way of her checking up on me, and being able to look me in the eye whilst doing so.
As always, it was magnificent to see her – any time with her is precious, but I was honestly scared how I would feel sitting there with her for about an hour knowing how screwed up inside I felt, and how I knew she was going to probe into what was going on in my head.
My trouble is that I can never say no to her – so I found myself sitting next to her as she drove me home through the inner city streets, and the wider expanses of the middle suburbs of this city.
We talked of course, but she could tell I was “off” – and she knew immediately what was on my mind.
“You’re sad I’m going away for a while, aren’t you?”
I wasn’t – right from the start I was happy for the opportunity she was taking for herself and her career.
“I’m sad that you might not come back…”
No more words were spoken for some minutes. She reached over and grabbed my hand.
She just held my hand.
She’s always known when to speak, and when not to. She always understands the moments we have shared over 40 years.
Finally she spoke.
“Andrew, I am only going for two years, and while it’s true to say that I don’t know what will happen while I am over there, I plan to come home…”
I needed to hear that, but it still wasn’t a categorical statement that she would return.
I was shaking like a leaf. I loved being there with her, but I also wanted to get out. The flickering changes in my brain were like those lines you see when a video cassette was getting worn out.
Still all there, but hard to see, and hard to hear.
I was spinning. Spinning in pain.
“I really am happy for you that you’ve gotten this opportunity. I could never be sad that you are doing what you want to do…”
“But I’m breaking your heart, again – aren’t I?”
More silence.
“You’re not breaking my heart Maddie, I’m breaking my heart…you have your new man, and I know how good he is for you and that makes me happy. There’s just a part of me that has never managed to let you go.”
More silence.
“That’s the part of me that’s hurting…”
The rest of the journey was quiet, and soon we were in front of my house.
We were still holding hands.
I smiled at her and hopped out of the car, walking toward my front door.
I was trying not to look back, but from behind I heard her engine stop, and her door open then close.
I could hear her heels clicking up the front path behind me, and I could smell her perfume getting closer.
She grabbed my arm and turned me around to face her. She was crying.
We hugged. We just hugged and hugged and hugged.
“You’ve always been a part of my heart too Andrew…nothing can change that…”
It’s ironic that I chose “Don’t Stop The Car” as the music for my previous post. It’s taken me quite some days to write this one, and that last one was written the night before this trip home in her car.
I didn’t want this car ride to end, but I had to get out.
The relationship between Maddie and myself has been pretty stable and strong in the years since my father passed away. I am still more than grateful for what she did for me that day, it actually makes me well up with even more love for her.
If that’s even possible.
We have a steady and honest friendship. We love each other, absolutely – but as has been the case for more than 40 years, there just never seems to be a time when we look each other in the eyes and kiss.
We never take that next step.
I think we are both scared to. I know that I am scared to. Neither of us want to wreck the amazing friendship we have.
Have we just come too far to ever get to that point?
I enjoy the time she and I spend together – our coffees and our lunches. Even the odd evening out here and there to catch a movie or some such. It’s a bond I don’t think will ever be broken.
As much as I do love her, I have spent the last few years trying to understand that love – am I just in love with the love I’ve always had for her, or is there something more?
The problem is, that the only answer I can form is that I don’t know.
I can’t ask her either – because of the not wanting to destroy the friendship thing. I’m caught between love………..and love.
I’ve been told by a lot of people in my life that sometimes I am just too nice to people. That women who aren’t 100% sure about me let go because they think I’m a nice guy, and that some other woman will snap me up so it’s okay to let me down if they aren’t sure.
I don’t know if that is wrong or right about me – but there is an element of it that makes sense.
If you have read right through this site, you’ll know that every woman who has come into my life – (including Maddie, to be completely fair) – has had a choice to make about me.
Every time that a woman has had to choose between me and someone else, the someone else has “won” every time. Sometime that “someone else” has been the choice of nobody at all.
But I never get chosen.
Jennifer? Despite everyone telling me that she liked me, she chose nobody.
Fiona? She chose to lead me on, while choosing the boyfriend she already had.
Shannon? Chose two other men over me, and denied she told me she loved me.
Amber? Chose her first love over me – though I always understood that one.
Sarah? Chose her abusive ex or nobody over me.
April? She chose to lead me on, and then stay with her soon-to-be husband.
The abusive no-name relationship? She chose me until she had milked me dry, then chose someone else.
Nadine? Chose someone new before ending it with me.
There’s definitely a pattern – when a choice needs to be made, that choice is never me. Even with Maddie, in the times we could have gotten together, she has chosen other men in her life.
The difference with Maddie is that she has always been open and respectful with my feelings – every time she’s known that she had to let me know about someone, she’s done it with grace and class.
But she’s never chosen me either.
I like to think I am a nice guy – so it would be easy to think it must be all me. I must be doing something wrong. If I am honest with myself, I am doing something wrong.
I always hold back, I always give them a reason to choose someone else.
I don’t know how to fix it, and I’m still alone.
All alone.
Maddie is with her new man, and she heads off in several months to her secondment overseas.
Once again I am left behind holding my heart in my hands. I am questioning how I feel.
Forty years of love for Maddie, and is my love now dying off? Would there ever be a chance again anyway?
I don’t want to stop, but I also want to be someone’s first choice…for the first time…
