There is just too much distance in my life at the moment, and my head is in a lot of different places.

Maddie has been strangely a little less near the front of my mind. We still talk at least a couple of times a week, and still send each other silly and funny videos on social media.

I guess I’m now somewhat used to being without her nearby, so the pain isn’t as raw.

It still hurts, but I’m coping.

Except this weekend, I’m really struggling, and I have cried a fair bit.

Not for any specific reason, not even about Maddie so much. Just an intense loneliness and feeling of emptiness. I’m not even sure why I’m feeling that way.

I mean, they are fairly simple words to understand on the surface, and they are exactly how I feel right now, but there’s more to it and I don’t understand.

It almost feels like things were during my university years, when Maddie was around but we didn’t really keep in contact, at least not until she invited me to her birthday.

Of course, not long after that, we were not in any kind of contact for more than a decade.

I just can’t process things tonight.

It just hurts.

Physically.

Not to be close to anybody.

My son is sound asleep 10 metres away in his bedroom, and now that he is beyond his teen years, hugs and cuddles are different than when he was 10.

But I still feel like I am here alone.

I just want to be touched. Held.

It has been so long since I’ve felt any genuine affection that I’m scared I wouldn’t know what to do if the chance arose.

I’m scared I would make a complete fool of myself.

My cat is here – she’s even on the bed right now as I type, giving me goofy “put your laptop away” looks.

One day I will find someone, and more than likely it will not be Maddie.

But until that day…

Christmas 2025 has been an interesting vibe in my head. Maddie and I spoke on the phone for about an hour on Christmas Day, and that filled my heart with joy.

Yet I just wish I could hug her tightly, even though that’s impossible right now.

I don’t often get home to Victoria to see family and friends, but this year I decided to do so, and headed back to my home town for the first time in a long time. I had moved interstate for work not too long after Dad passed away, and not long after that Maddie followed me.

I say “followed me” not because she was sticking close to me, but her work took her interstate as well, and we were about the only person each of us knew in our new city. Which is why we have gotten even closer over the last five years.

I saw family, I saw old friends, and it was great.

I also drove around in the rental car looking at special places in my life, as I was feeling nostalgic. I drove past the family home – (which was sold not long after Dad left us) – and it has changed quite a bit.

It was the house Maddie and I had called each other any number of times and had many warm conversations – but she never actually visited it.

I drove past her family home too, and it had barely changed. I remembered the night of her 21st birthday, and how it made me feel. Yet I also remembered how naive I was that night, when I didn’t understand she was seeing someone.

I also stopped by our old school, which always welcomes back old students. I went to the spot where Maddie had told me she loved me, so many years ago.

I reveled in the warm feeling of being back in that space, and remembering that moment – but I cried.

I don’t know if they were happy tears, sad tears, emotional tears, or distraught tears. It was probably a combination of all of them.

I miss that time, and I miss Maddie.

But I’m glad I went and visited that place – or was I just visiting that time?

I’ve spoken previously about how Richard Marx’s Right Here Waiting is one of the two main songs in my heart for Maddie, and how I felt it related to us.

I wrote how the very first line connected me to the song:

“Oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly go insane…”

…and how listening to Marx speaking about the song, it represented the physical distance between he and his wife Cynthia at that time. She was working on a movie overseas, and he was denied a visa to go and visit her.

They were literally “oceans apart”.

I connected the song with myself and Maddie because it was a time that we were very far apart emotionally, despite there being no physical distance between us at all. We still saw each other every day at school.

My ocean was the emotional distance I had managed to create between us via a series of really bad choices.

Maddie has now been in London for a few months, and as you can guess and can read here on this site – I am missing her terribly.

I have good days, and I have bad days.

I saw a post on Facebook from her last week about an event she had indicated as being “interested in attending”.

When I saw where that event was – that is, somewhere near London – I had a wave of pain wash over me. It was the first outward indication of where she really is. Of how far away she is.

We still talk of course, and we talk about London and how she’s enjoying her time there – but seeing her really connected to London via that post?

That kicked me in the guts. A lightning bolt of reality.

This time, we really are physically and truly – oceans apart.

It has been a little while since I have written, but I am in a place right now where I need to look inwards toward myself. I have been feeling very much not myself in recent weeks, while I’ve been getting used to Maddie being away in London for what it likely to be at least two years.

I am missing her terribly, and while we are still keeping in touch, a message from the other side of the world, and even a FaceTime call just isn’t the same as being able to call each other and book in a short notice lunch date with each other.

It hurts that I can’t just hug her.

I have however been taking time to think about my feelings for her. She appears to be more than happy with her man, and I’m still just her best friend. That’s not a complaint, but right at the moment it does make me sit up and ask questions of myself.

I’ve have gone through many different trains of thought about “what this is” between Maddie and I, and as varied as those strands of emotional processing have been, I keep finding myself asking the same question of my heart.

Is what I feel for Maddie nothing more than limerence?

If you understand the ‘textbook’ definition of what limerence is, and you read my entire site, limerence seems like quite an accurate description of my headspace around Maddie over the years.

It makes sense. I cannot deny and will not deny that most of how I see Maddie could and would be adequately described as a case of limerence.

And that is hard to accept – because it makes me wonder if the 40 years of emotion I have felt for Maddie have all been for nought – because they have never been reciprocated in any truly meaningful way.

It physically hurts to recognise that correlation inside of me. While I have lived and loved other women in my life, and love them with all of my heart – (for what it has been worth) – it makes me feel like a silly little child not being able to let go of his first silly crush.

On the contrary, the psychological descriptions of limerence you can find online talk about the feelings for another person being unrequited. That when one is in a state of limerence over someone that you do not concern yourself with the well-being of the other person.

That limerence isn’t real love – more that it is an obsession or infatuation with the other person, and that it only exists in the mind of the person who is feeling limerent towards the other person.

That it is the fantasising of being with the other person, without it necessarily being a physical or even a sexual need. The pleasure comes from the obsession or infatuation.

Which is where I find myself doubting that my feelings for Maddie are purely limerent.

I do feel the need to be physically close to Maddie, and although the thought scares the shit out of me, the thought of being sexually intimate with her is very much a part of me – yet I would be so scared of disappointing her in a sexual encounter.

I do care how she is feeling, and we have always been close. Just read this site and you should be able to understand that.

Although we’ve never found ourselves romantically linked, there have been any number of times over the years where that was close to happening. I’ve never felt that she didn’t love me, even if the romantic feelings we have both had for each other haven’t turned into anything substantive.

There are many aspects to the long relationship between Maddie and myself, and I cannot explain away all of the “features” of limerence from how I feel.

Like I said, that hurts. I can’t rationalise 40 years into a simple explanation like that – and I am currently trying to keep an open mind about it

I love Maddie, and Maddie loves me – we care deeply about each other, and are always looking out for each other.

I think and hope that that’s the difference.

However, the thing is – whether it be limerence or not – that doesn’t mean we will ever end up together, that the romantic feelings will ever be reciprocated.

It’s the classic “we could, but should we?” question.

That’s a question I’ve spent 40 years trying to answer.

I’ve been wondering the last couple of weeks whether or not it would be a good idea to just take some time off work, jump on a plane to London and surprise Maddie for her birthday next month.

I’m genuinely in pain since she left for London, and I’m not coping.

The romantic in me wants to just do it. Just unfold my credit card and deal with the cost later. I am missing her terribly, and I’ve not missed her birthday in a long time.

The sensible man in me tells me not to be silly. Stick to my personal values of never interfering with her relationship by dropping a big romantic emotional act upon her.

It’s been a real dilemma.

I’ve decided not to do it – the problem would be that if I did do it, I would suffer just as much when I flew home again.

I had a very deep and personal dream about her last night – we were together for her birthday. It was wonderful, but sad too. It made my decision not to go easier than it might have been.

A week of high excitement, then back home to Australia to suffer again.

Sigh.

I just sit here and wonder if she ever thinks about me on any kind of deeper level.

It has just gone 8pm in Eastern Australia, and just past 11am in London. Maddie and I have just been on the phone for about four hours, just talking.

Thank heavens for internet calling – 30 years ago that would have cost a small fortune!

Sunday is usually my quiet day, where I take it easy doing a few odd jobs around the house, and even spend time napping, restoring energy for the upcoming new work week.

Even my son hasn’t been here this week, he’s spending a couple of weeks back in Victoria with his mother. As such it has been extra quiet and extra relaxing.

It was in the middle of one of my naps that Maddie called me.

“Hi Andrew…………………..I miss you…”

“Maddie, I miss you too, so so much..”

We didn’t speak about anything specifically, it was just catching up.

We talked about all the hassles she’s had getting herself set up over there. She actually starts working tomorrow, so she’s planning a quiet Sunday too to recharge for the first day of her new career stage.

I’m so proud of her.

Life still feels so broken to me though. It always feels like it’s not all that far away from a time we could be together. I think we both know that we have enough between us where it could easily work.

She’s over there. I’m over here. Her man is still over here.

And then my shoulders slump.

He’s supposed to join her in London in a few months, and I guess I am jealous.

No, actually, I really am jealous. I have to start admitting that to myself.

But as I’ve said a lot of times, I will never get in their way. I will never cause her pain by being the cause of that relationship breaking down. I care about her too much to interfere.

Yet, that leaves me on the outside looking in. Looking in with respect for what she has, but with a deep pain in my heart for what I can’t have.

I wonder what would happen if I just got on a plane and went to visit?

My heart says yes.

My head says no.

It’s just my ongoing cycle of torment.

I posted on Bluesky the other day after getting home from dropping Maddie at the airport for her flight to London to begin her work secondment.

I have been living outside of my body ever since, and I’ve done a lot of crying.

While there is currently no plan for her not to return to Australia at the end of the two years, and we will absolutely stay in touch while she’s away, I can’t help but feeling she is just……………..gone.

I can’t call her up and arrange a coffee or a lunch together. That’s been a regular part of both of our lives for quite a few years, so just not being able to do it – well, it hurts.

It was immensely gratifying that she asked me to drive her to the airport, and I think – (like me) – that it was painful for her to go. We’re not together, we’ve never been together, and she has her man.

But I think she’s feeling the “loss” too. Her asking me to drive her was an extended way for both of us to say goodbye.

She is still with her man, and while at this stage she has gone to London without him, he is apparently going to join her later.

Yet, in recent weeks, possibly even months – I’ve noticed her not talking about him as much, and interacting more with me. I’ve not pried into it, as it’s not my business – but there’s been a bit of a vibe that not everything is well.

If I were to keep my rational hat on, I would guess that’s about their impending time apart too. That they’ve been trying to understand how it all affects their relationship.

That would be absolutely fair enough, yet it’s all up to them – I’m not going to interfere.

Her increased interaction with me has been nice, but also strange. I don’t want to feel like I’m the “other man”. It has just been a little bit more, but enough more to be noticeable. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t want to think about it, lest it does my head in.

Which it would.

But for now, I don’t have my Maddie nearby, and it hurts like hell.

These next two years are going to be a nightmare.

My best friend. The only person who really gets me.

Half a planet away from me.

It’s not fair.

The progressing of this story has reached basically the present day. There are still blanks I can fill in, and I think I will add more pieces over time. Colour in a little more between the lines, tell more stories of Maddie.

However at the moment I am truly struggling with how I feel about where things are with her. As I’ve talked about recently both here and here, Maddie’s impending departure has caused me great happiness and deep sadness.

I am rarely finding myself with the ability to cope in recent weeks.

We had opportunity a week or two ago to spend an extended period of time together, the first time since she had told me about her secondment.

My car was in for servicing, and I had caught a cab into work – stupidly expensive as I don’t live that close to the CBD where I work. Maddie and I found ourselves texting during the day – she understood as she always did, that I was upset, and was checking in on me – as she always did.

She offered to come and drive me home, rather than catching another expensive cab home at the end of the day. She lives in the complete opposite direction from the city than I do, so it was really going out of her way to help out.

I think it was more a clever way of her checking up on me, and being able to look me in the eye whilst doing so.

As always, it was magnificent to see her – any time with her is precious, but I was honestly scared how I would feel sitting there with her for about an hour knowing how screwed up inside I felt, and how I knew she was going to probe into what was going on in my head.

My trouble is that I can never say no to her – so I found myself sitting next to her as she drove me home through the inner city streets, and the wider expanses of the middle suburbs of this city.

We talked of course, but she could tell I was “off” – and she knew immediately what was on my mind.

“You’re sad I’m going away for a while, aren’t you?”

I wasn’t – right from the start I was happy for the opportunity she was taking for herself and her career.

“I’m sad that you might not come back…”

No more words were spoken for some minutes. She reached over and grabbed my hand.

She just held my hand.

She’s always known when to speak, and when not to. She always understands the moments we have shared over 40 years.

Finally she spoke.

“Andrew, I am only going for two years, and while it’s true to say that I don’t know what will happen while I am over there, I plan to come home…”

I needed to hear that, but it still wasn’t a categorical statement that she would return.

I was shaking like a leaf. I loved being there with her, but I also wanted to get out. The flickering changes in my brain were like those lines you see when a video cassette was getting worn out.

Still all there, but hard to see, and hard to hear.

I was spinning. Spinning in pain.

“I really am happy for you that you’ve gotten this opportunity. I could never be sad that you are doing what you want to do…”

“But I’m breaking your heart, again – aren’t I?”

More silence.

“You’re not breaking my heart Maddie, I’m breaking my heart…you have your new man, and I know how good he is for you and that makes me happy. There’s just a part of me that has never managed to let you go.”

More silence.

“That’s the part of me that’s hurting…”

The rest of the journey was quiet, and soon we were in front of my house.

We were still holding hands.

I smiled at her and hopped out of the car, walking toward my front door.

I was trying not to look back, but from behind I heard her engine stop, and her door open then close.

I could hear her heels clicking up the front path behind me, and I could smell her perfume getting closer.

She grabbed my arm and turned me around to face her. She was crying.

We hugged. We just hugged and hugged and hugged.

“You’ve always been a part of my heart too Andrew…nothing can change that…”

It’s ironic that I chose “Don’t Stop The Car” as the music for my previous post. It’s taken me quite some days to write this one, and that last one was written the night before this trip home in her car.

I didn’t want this car ride to end, but I had to get out.

Yet, she still made the moment almost perfect.

The relationship between Maddie and myself has been pretty stable and strong in the years since my father passed away. I am still more than grateful for what she did for me that day, it actually makes me well up with even more love for her.

If that’s even possible.

We have a steady and honest friendship. We love each other, absolutely – but as has been the case for more than 40 years, there just never seems to be a time when we look each other in the eyes and kiss.

We never take that next step.

I think we are both scared to. I know that I am scared to. Neither of us want to wreck the amazing friendship we have.

Have we just come too far to ever get to that point?

I enjoy the time she and I spend together – our coffees and our lunches. Even the odd evening out here and there to catch a movie or some such. It’s a bond I don’t think will ever be broken.

As much as I do love her, I have spent the last few years trying to understand that love – am I just in love with the love I’ve always had for her, or is there something more?

The problem is, that the only answer I can form is that I don’t know.

I can’t ask her either – because of the not wanting to destroy the friendship thing. I’m caught between love………..and love.

I’ve been told by a lot of people in my life that sometimes I am just too nice to people. That women who aren’t 100% sure about me let go because they think I’m a nice guy, and that some other woman will snap me up so it’s okay to let me down if they aren’t sure.

I don’t know if that is wrong or right about me – but there is an element of it that makes sense.

If you have read right through this site, you’ll know that every woman who has come into my life – (including Maddie, to be completely fair) – has had a choice to make about me.

Every time that a woman has had to choose between me and someone else, the someone else has “won” every time. Sometime that “someone else” has been the choice of nobody at all.

But I never get chosen.

Jennifer? Despite everyone telling me that she liked me, she chose nobody.

Fiona? She chose to lead me on, while choosing the boyfriend she already had.

Shannon? Chose two other men over me, and denied she told me she loved me.

Amber? Chose her first love over me – though I always understood that one.

Sarah? Chose her abusive ex or nobody over me.

April? She chose to lead me on, and then stay with her soon-to-be husband.

The abusive no-name relationship? She chose me until she had milked me dry, then chose someone else.

Nadine? Chose someone new before ending it with me.

There’s definitely a pattern – when a choice needs to be made, that choice is never me. Even with Maddie, in the times we could have gotten together, she has chosen other men in her life.

The difference with Maddie is that she has always been open and respectful with my feelings – every time she’s known that she had to let me know about someone, she’s done it with grace and class.

But she’s never chosen me either.

I like to think I am a nice guy – so it would be easy to think it must be all me. I must be doing something wrong. If I am honest with myself, I am doing something wrong.

I always hold back, I always give them a reason to choose someone else.

I don’t know how to fix it, and I’m still alone.

All alone.

Maddie is with her new man, and she heads off in several months to her secondment overseas.

Once again I am left behind holding my heart in my hands. I am questioning how I feel.

Forty years of love for Maddie, and is my love now dying off? Would there ever be a chance again anyway?

I don’t want to stop, but I also want to be someone’s first choice…for the first time…