Tonight I’m back writing again after a little time off from this journey. Maddie can be such a complicated subject in my life, that it is quite easy to get myself in quite a quandary, and need some time to sit back and untangle my brain.
These words that I have been writing here in recent months have in many ways been both therapeutic and in some ways traumatic.
I have deliberately placed my mind back in times and situations that were good and bad in my life – like talking about the mental troubles I have caused myself over the years in processing how I feel – not just about Maddie, but about life in general.
What this little break has given me is some time to reflect on what I have written. Within my last story post, I find myself in the mid-2010’s. That seems so long ago, but when I view that particularly post from the perspective of today – (January 28th, 2025) – it doesn’t seem like a decade ago at all.
It also seems that I shouldn’t have too much of the story to go – but that’s not true either. Oddly, it might not take too many more posts to reach current day, but the colour of the relationship Maddie and I have shared in the last 10 years is vibrant and full of detail.
So those are the times I have been reflecting on since I last wrote.
I’ve tried to really look into myself, and really try and understand how I feel about her.
It would be too easy to say that I love her, because of course I absolutely do – but what does that mean?
I actually begin this thought at the time of our café meeting over thirty years ago, a moment that could have been a moment of finality in my love for her. They day she slipped away forever.
If she did get married at that time, I would not have felt a sense of loss beyond how I felt in that moment. Yes, I was stung very hard that day, and initially didn’t deal with the emotion very well.
But I was happy for her. Once I gathered myself together, I knew that I was happy for her and that if I could not be with her, I wanted her to be happy. I would rather she be happy and myself be sad, than the other way around.
If her happiness didn’t contain my presence – brilliant! My first and only feeling as I look back at the immediate few days after that meeting, that’s what it was. Immense happiness for her, and whatever I felt didn’t matter.
It didn’t. Maddie was happy – she deserved it, she had found it, and I couldn’t want anything more for her.
Now, with that memory echoing in my mind, I look at her today. She is in a happy relationship once again. In the last 10 years I have ridden yet another emotional roller-coaster over her – but once again I am happy for her. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve met her man and even had dinner with them – and he’s great for her.
How do I feel about that?
Once again, immensely happy for her.
Where does that leave me?
I’m quite happy being single at the moment – as much as having someone to curl into at night and feel safe with is appealing, I don’t want to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.
I will be her friend, like we have always been. The love we do have for each other won’t ever disappear.
And whatever she needs, if I can give it to her – I will do my very best to provide her with it. She more than deserves that love and support.
I’ve always given her that, but even as I need to sit at a distance again now – I know what I would always do anything for her.
Anything – and everything.