I’ve been trying to write again for some time, but it has been difficult. I have a couple of trains of thought that I am putting into words, but are not ready to publish.
The car ride home with Maddie last time around has affected me a lot of late. The emotion of our embrace at the end of that meeting has driven my mind into places that I have never felt before, not even with Maddie.
It has made me happy, and it has made me sad. To soon be losing her for a couple of years still causes me great anguish, yet I am still so happy for the opportunity that has befallen her. I honestly could not be happier for her.
I’m still terrified that she might not come home.
I still don’t know how her adventure affects her relationship with her man – I’ve been too scared to ask. I don’t want to create a pattern of thought in her that makes her think of me as an option again.
Given how much that I love Maddie, I know that sounds strange – but I will never cause her any pain, I will not be the catalyst of her relationship with him breaking down.
If she and I will ever be, it will start from level ground. Two souls, grounded and alone who find each other again, and build something unencumbered by the past.
I will not hurt her.
Yet, I have sensed a change in her in recent weeks.
Before her new man appeared, we would be constantly messaging each other, sharing memes and Instagram reels, at all hours of the day and night.
When he did appear, that dropped to almost nothing – and I understood that. Once again, I was not going to be a factor in the course her relationship takes.
I didn’t want him to ask her, “why do you need Andrew?”
I guess it is a flaw in me, that I hold my integrity so steadfastly. That might again sound strange – why wouldn’t I chase the woman I want so much? It could easily be that if I chased hard right now, I would get somewhere spectacular after so many years.
But I respect Maddie, and I respect him. My personal value of integrity quite possibly holds me back from that one place I want to be.
In Maddie’s arms, always.
It’s funny though – she has started messaging me more regularly again. Not as much as before, but the times of day and night are curious. It’s like she is laying awake in bed, watching reels, and thinks of me and sends them to me.
Just last night, there was one at 3am.
Just a little bit brighter of a light from Maddie.
Naturally, I’m wondering what this means.
Probably nothing, but I know I will overthink it, and the roller-coaster will start again.
Maybe our story never will end?