It has been some weeks since I have written. Frankly, I haven’t really had the courage to write too much, and my head and my heart are still in conflict.
Maddie has been in London for nearly 5 months, and it should be no secret nor surprise that I’ve been struggling with her absence. I’ve obviously been writing about that previously.
I am in a very strange place tonight as I write this.
Am I sad about Maddie being so far away? Absolutely I am, yet as I have spoken about in recent posts, I am so happy for her that she is living this adventure.
Yes, she is with her new man, and he is now over there with her. He is good for her, and I do like him a lot – he’s a genuinely nice man.
I hate being not able to call her up and have lunch or a quick coffee with her. We talk quite a bit – mostly in texts, but from time to time on phone too. Timezones make that difficult though.
I’m just confused as to where my heart lies right now.
It’s quiet silent in here at the moment – there’s not been any changes in how I feel about her, but the noise in my head is quiet. There’s still that deep pang of loneliness when I think about her.
It just feels…………………less consuming right now?
That’s happened before across the time we have known each other, so it is not a new feeling – but not one I was expecting to feel right now.
In many ways I do hope Maddie and her man stay together – I’ve seen with my own eyes how he makes her smile.
Whenever I’ve seen her happy with someone, there is something in me, some part of my love for her that just “switches off”. When she’s happy, I’m happy.
I don’t love her any less, but the mental side of it is less debilitating. I can function.
Lonely?
Yes, definitely.
However, the silence in my heart is just confusing.
I just want someone to hold me tonight.