Another different kind of post tonight – something going to call a “live moment”. Instead of telling my story, my story of love for Maddie, I’m going to talk about how I feel right at this moment.
As I write.
I will probably do more of these over time – what I have found so far is that writing my story out has been extremely cathartic. I’ve always been such a shy and insular person, that very few people know this entire story. Some people know pieces of it.
Frankly, Maddie doesn’t really know how deeply it affects me – we’ve never really had a complete conversation about the whole timeline of the pieces of our lives that relate to each other.
I think it could even be dangerous for each of us to really understand – it would answers a lot of questions both of us have, and bring up others. I’m not sure how she would react to fully understanding my love for her.
Writing out this story has brought a clarity and calmness to my mind that I’ve not known for pretty much my entire adult life. I’ve been sitting here on the couch tonight – (Saturday, November 9th, 2024) – with my cat snuggled beside me, and just thinking about Maddie.
Is that unusual?
No, god no – totally normal.
Every once in a while though, I have these nights where my thoughts lead me to moments of understanding, when I hear myself talking to Maddie in my head.
It’s almost midnight.
There is nobody here of course – (my son is in his bedroom about 10 metres away, sound asleep) – but I feel that someone is here with me. I am talking to them about Maddie.
I don’t know who it is – maybe my father who died nearly five years ago, and wish so much he could have known Maddie. I think he would really have liked her – yet I never talked much about Maddie to anyone in my family.
Everyone knew bits and pieces, but the 1980’s was a long time ago, and they’ve probably long forgotten those stories.
I’ve been watching a documentary on the murder of Anita Cobby – (a Sydney nurse who was brutally murdered only a few days before I met Maddie) – but rather than being your typical true-crime documentary, it was more about the effect on the lives of the people around her – her family, her husband.
That this was happening at the time I met Maddie really linked my head back to that day I met her, and I began placing myself in their heads, to try and understand how they must have felt.
I’m quite sure that I could never understand how they truly felt.
I am so lucky that even after all this time that Maddie and I still great friends. I could pick up my phone right now and call her and talk to her. I wouldn’t because she is currently in a relationship, and wouldn’t want to insert myself into their lives at midnight on a Saturday night.
I’ve met him and he’s a great guy. Maddie hasn’t had a lot of luck in love over the years, and I’m really happy for her that she’s found someone decent.
Watching this documentary, I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like to still love her, but without any possible way to communicate with her. If she were gone.
I’m explaining to whoever it is in the room with me tonight how beautiful I have always found Maddie.
How her friendship – (despite the times it has been strained) – has sustained and inspired me to be the best person I can be. To be the best version of Andrew I can possibly be, so that when we are near each other, I can be a valuable part of her life.
Maddie and I work quite nearby to each other in the city, and a few times a year catch up and have lunch together. We often send each other silly jokes and memes.
Despite it being the middle of COVID, she came with me to my father’s funeral to support me, because she knew that I was not handling it well.
Even though that was a sombre occasion, it was kind of fun to let people think this beautiful woman on my arm might have been my partner. To pretend just a little bit for a few hours.
That’s just who Maddie has always been – despite us never being together, she’s never been too far away to stop her from being there when I need her.
I would always do the same for her.
The family of Anita Cobby don’t have that chance any longer – and I genuinely cried for them watching the documentary.
I know how hard it would be to live without being able to pick up phone and call Maddie. How empty I would feel inside.
How heartbreaking that would be.
I know it would be hard – there have been times Maddie and I have been out of touch, literally for years at a time, which I will get to in the story – so I know at least part of the emptiness.
I would never claim to know the pain of Cobby’s family – that would seemingly be indescribable.
But that I could relate to their love?
It tells me that after all of this time, just how much I love Maddie.
It’s “inbuilt” into who I am – I can’t not love her.
She is the part of me that is always here. Even when she’s not, and she’s far far away. Maddie and I have “standing orders” with each other to call each other if we need each other.
It is times like these you understand yourself.