It has been an fairly obvious theme thus far in this blog, the matter of my mental health.
There have been times in my life that have been smooth sailing, and times in my life where the complete opposite has been true. Most of the time, I am somewhere in between.
In this latest “Live Moment” – as I write on the evening of November 29th, 2024 – I have noted myself being particularly aware of my mental state since I have been writing this blog. It has been the clearest it has been in a long time.
Writing about how I feel about Maddie has helped me enormously – far more than I ever expected when I decided to start this writing. There have been some tough moments delving back into my head and writing about some difficult and emotional times in my life.
Ups and downs. Crisis and calm.
I have twisted myself into and out of so many different tangles over all of the of time I have cared for and loved Maddie.
Some of it has nearly broken me, plenty of times.
I’ve been hard on myself, and blamed myself for stupid things that probably don’t matter in the slightest in the overall scheme of things.
However, writing about all of it – good and bad – has been so cathartic, reliving the memories has forced me to confront a lot of previously-held understanding and beliefs about some of the things that have happened.
So many of them I am looking at in a completely different light. I see some of them so differently after writing about them that I feel weights lifted off me. Some things still feel the same.
Overall though, I can only say I wish I had done this sooner. So many things have changed in my life, in my soul, and in my mind.
Understandings have just changed in so many ways.
But in taking a breath tonight and seeing where I stand, what I have noticed is the one constant in my life, the one thing that hasn’t changed.
Maddie.
I last spoke to her yesterday – only by text in this instance, but I hear her voice when she texts me. After all of these years she is still never far away.
I can’t help but wonder what that means. I’ve hurt her enough over the years, but she still lets me into her life.
How good that does feel.