I’ve spoken previously about how Richard Marx’s Right Here Waiting is one of the two main songs in my heart for Maddie, and how I felt it related to us.

I wrote how the very first line connected me to the song:

“Oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly go insane…”

…and how listening to Marx speaking about the song, it represented the physical distance between he and his wife Cynthia at that time. She was working on a movie overseas, and he was denied a visa to go and visit her.

They were literally “oceans apart”.

I connected the song with myself and Maddie because it was a time that we were very far apart emotionally, despite there being no physical distance between us at all. We still saw each other every day at school.

My ocean was the emotional distance I had managed to create between us via a series of really bad choices.

Maddie has now been in London for a few months, and as you can guess and can read here on this site – I am missing her terribly.

I have good days, and I have bad days.

I saw a post on Facebook from her last week about an event she had indicated as being “interested in attending”.

When I saw where that event was – that is, somewhere near London – I had a wave of pain wash over me. It was the first outward indication of where she really is. Of how far away she is.

We still talk of course, and we talk about London and how she’s enjoying her time there – but seeing her really connected to London via that post?

That kicked me in the guts. A lightning bolt of reality.

This time, we really are physically and truly – oceans apart.

It has been a little while since I have written, but I am in a place right now where I need to look inwards toward myself. I have been feeling very much not myself in recent weeks, while I’ve been getting used to Maddie being away in London for what it likely to be at least two years.

I am missing her terribly, and while we are still keeping in touch, a message from the other side of the world, and even a FaceTime call just isn’t the same as being able to call each other and book in a short notice lunch date with each other.

It hurts that I can’t just hug her.

I have however been taking time to think about my feelings for her. She appears to be more than happy with her man, and I’m still just her best friend. That’s not a complaint, but right at the moment it does make me sit up and ask questions of myself.

I’ve have gone through many different trains of thought about “what this is” between Maddie and I, and as varied as those strands of emotional processing have been, I keep finding myself asking the same question of my heart.

Is what I feel for Maddie nothing more than limerence?

If you understand the ‘textbook’ definition of what limerence is, and you read my entire site, limerence seems like quite an accurate description of my headspace around Maddie over the years.

It makes sense. I cannot deny and will not deny that most of how I see Maddie could and would be adequately described as a case of limerence.

And that is hard to accept – because it makes me wonder if the 40 years of emotion I have felt for Maddie have all been for nought – because they have never been reciprocated in any truly meaningful way.

It physically hurts to recognise that correlation inside of me. While I have lived and loved other women in my life, and love them with all of my heart – (for what it has been worth) – it makes me feel like a silly little child not being able to let go of his first silly crush.

On the contrary, the psychological descriptions of limerence you can find online talk about the feelings for another person being unrequited. That when one is in a state of limerence over someone that you do not concern yourself with the well-being of the other person.

That limerence isn’t real love – more that it is an obsession or infatuation with the other person, and that it only exists in the mind of the person who is feeling limerent towards the other person.

That it is the fantasising of being with the other person, without it necessarily being a physical or even a sexual need. The pleasure comes from the obsession or infatuation.

Which is where I find myself doubting that my feelings for Maddie are purely limerent.

I do feel the need to be physically close to Maddie, and although the thought scares the shit out of me, the thought of being sexually intimate with her is very much a part of me – yet I would be so scared of disappointing her in a sexual encounter.

I do care how she is feeling, and we have always been close. Just read this site and you should be able to understand that.

Although we’ve never found ourselves romantically linked, there have been any number of times over the years where that was close to happening. I’ve never felt that she didn’t love me, even if the romantic feelings we have both had for each other haven’t turned into anything substantive.

There are many aspects to the long relationship between Maddie and myself, and I cannot explain away all of the “features” of limerence from how I feel.

Like I said, that hurts. I can’t rationalise 40 years into a simple explanation like that – and I am currently trying to keep an open mind about it

I love Maddie, and Maddie loves me – we care deeply about each other, and are always looking out for each other.

I think and hope that that’s the difference.

However, the thing is – whether it be limerence or not – that doesn’t mean we will ever end up together, that the romantic feelings will ever be reciprocated.

It’s the classic “we could, but should we?” question.

That’s a question I’ve spent 40 years trying to answer.

I’ve been wondering the last couple of weeks whether or not it would be a good idea to just take some time off work, jump on a plane to London and surprise Maddie for her birthday next month.

I’m genuinely in pain since she left for London, and I’m not coping.

The romantic in me wants to just do it. Just unfold my credit card and deal with the cost later. I am missing her terribly, and I’ve not missed her birthday in a long time.

The sensible man in me tells me not to be silly. Stick to my personal values of never interfering with her relationship by dropping a big romantic emotional act upon her.

It’s been a real dilemma.

I’ve decided not to do it – the problem would be that if I did do it, I would suffer just as much when I flew home again.

I had a very deep and personal dream about her last night – we were together for her birthday. It was wonderful, but sad too. It made my decision not to go easier than it might have been.

A week of high excitement, then back home to Australia to suffer again.

Sigh.

I just sit here and wonder if she ever thinks about me on any kind of deeper level.

It has just gone 8pm in Eastern Australia, and just past 11am in London. Maddie and I have just been on the phone for about four hours, just talking.

Thank heavens for internet calling – 30 years ago that would have cost a small fortune!

Sunday is usually my quiet day, where I take it easy doing a few odd jobs around the house, and even spend time napping, restoring energy for the upcoming new work week.

Even my son hasn’t been here this week, he’s spending a couple of weeks back in Victoria with his mother. As such it has been extra quiet and extra relaxing.

It was in the middle of one of my naps that Maddie called me.

“Hi Andrew…………………..I miss you…”

“Maddie, I miss you too, so so much..”

We didn’t speak about anything specifically, it was just catching up.

We talked about all the hassles she’s had getting herself set up over there. She actually starts working tomorrow, so she’s planning a quiet Sunday too to recharge for the first day of her new career stage.

I’m so proud of her.

Life still feels so broken to me though. It always feels like it’s not all that far away from a time we could be together. I think we both know that we have enough between us where it could easily work.

She’s over there. I’m over here. Her man is still over here.

And then my shoulders slump.

He’s supposed to join her in London in a few months, and I guess I am jealous.

No, actually, I really am jealous. I have to start admitting that to myself.

But as I’ve said a lot of times, I will never get in their way. I will never cause her pain by being the cause of that relationship breaking down. I care about her too much to interfere.

Yet, that leaves me on the outside looking in. Looking in with respect for what she has, but with a deep pain in my heart for what I can’t have.

I wonder what would happen if I just got on a plane and went to visit?

My heart says yes.

My head says no.

It’s just my ongoing cycle of torment.

I posted on Bluesky the other day after getting home from dropping Maddie at the airport for her flight to London to begin her work secondment.

I have been living outside of my body ever since, and I’ve done a lot of crying.

While there is currently no plan for her not to return to Australia at the end of the two years, and we will absolutely stay in touch while she’s away, I can’t help but feeling she is just……………..gone.

I can’t call her up and arrange a coffee or a lunch together. That’s been a regular part of both of our lives for quite a few years, so just not being able to do it – well, it hurts.

It was immensely gratifying that she asked me to drive her to the airport, and I think – (like me) – that it was painful for her to go. We’re not together, we’ve never been together, and she has her man.

But I think she’s feeling the “loss” too. Her asking me to drive her was an extended way for both of us to say goodbye.

She is still with her man, and while at this stage she has gone to London without him, he is apparently going to join her later.

Yet, in recent weeks, possibly even months – I’ve noticed her not talking about him as much, and interacting more with me. I’ve not pried into it, as it’s not my business – but there’s been a bit of a vibe that not everything is well.

If I were to keep my rational hat on, I would guess that’s about their impending time apart too. That they’ve been trying to understand how it all affects their relationship.

That would be absolutely fair enough, yet it’s all up to them – I’m not going to interfere.

Her increased interaction with me has been nice, but also strange. I don’t want to feel like I’m the “other man”. It has just been a little bit more, but enough more to be noticeable. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t want to think about it, lest it does my head in.

Which it would.

But for now, I don’t have my Maddie nearby, and it hurts like hell.

These next two years are going to be a nightmare.

My best friend. The only person who really gets me.

Half a planet away from me.

It’s not fair.