Shannon returned from her holiday, and I returned to hell.

Despite the interruption for Maddie’s birthday party, I had spent the time thinking about what Shannon had said to me the last time I saw her.

“I’ve been thinking about how you said you loved me when we said goodnight last time, about what that means to me, and how I feel about you, and I really am starting to believe that I love you too,” was where I started.

It was extremely new for me to come out on such a front foot, but I was sure that was how I felt, and I was so proud of how courageous I had been just being able to say those words.

It could easily have been my proudest moment – within seconds my heart and soul was rocked. I nearly fainted as my head was spinning so fast. My blood pressure was probably already low from the intensity of telling her I felt the same way, but what happened in the following few minutes still hurts today.

“I never said that,” came her response.

“What? You hugged me as we said goodbye, and you clearly said that you loved me. Your exact words were ‘I love you’,” I responded.

“I didn’t.”

“But you did!”

Her full stop on the conversation was as brutal a response I’ve ever had from a love interest.

“Well, if I said that, I didn’t mean it.”

And that was the end of the conversation. I couldn’t even speak.

A few hours later – when I was able – I talked to her friend who was with her on the holiday, with whom I was good friends too. In fact, I had known her longer than I had known Shannon, and she was partly the reason for Shannon and I meeting.

She told me that Shannon had been intimate with two men she met on the trip, and that she’d lost all interest in me.

No words, no “sorry this isn’t working out”. Straight into bed with other people, and denying she’d even told me she loved me.

I spoke previously how I felt that Shannon was looking for more intimacy with me, but that I wasn’t ready – yet now I was asking myself had I held back too much? Should I have stepped forward sooner?

It was easy to think that, but it didn’t take me long to decide that if I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready, and I had no regrets – just now I had a great deal of pain.

I know for certain that it was a Monday, because I always had a late class at university on Monday evenings, and I remember having to push through the rest of the day before I could get myself alone and decompress the jumbled mess in my head.

When I eventually got home, I was in no mood to study.

I took a long hot shower to freshen myself up, long enough to run the water cold.

This was supposed to be a day about Shannon and me, yet everything had upended itself and I wasn’t coping.

As I got out of the shower I figured it was time to just go to bed, and start again tomorrow. I could feel myself on the edge.

Maddie hadn’t entered my thoughts all day, yet for some reason, without even thinking about it, instead of going to bed I picked up the phone and called her.

It wasn’t a decision, I just found myself doing it.

I needed her right now more than I had ever needed her before. I needed someone who gave a shit about me.

After that night at her party, I knew just how many people would could ever really count on.

One.

So I went to Maddie’s birthday with Shannon’s blessing – but I still felt a bit awkward. Should I have politely turned down Maddie’s invitation?

It would be easy to say “yes” looking at the situation unemotionally – and I don’t wish to play down the significance of the act of accepting it. I could have handled it all a lot better, that I know.

Maddie was one of the most important people in my life, and I also know now many years later that I would have regretted not going. That Shannon was so agreeable did surprise me, but the reason for that would become apparent after she returned from her pre-arranged holiday.

I was about to have a both a wonderful and terrible few months, all at the same time.

I always knew where Maddie’s house was. Back then they had this thing called a “phone book” that published almost everyone’s address, and every house was given a free copy. Sounds completely stupid in this day and age where people hold privacy so important.

I had never been to her house though – so I approached the evening with many emotions going through me. This was a place I had always wanted to visit – hopefully as her boyfriend – so many times over the years I had known her.

Yet here I was on this night – in a relationship with someone else – approaching her front door for the very first time. I knocked and her mother answered, and I was invited inside.

The next person I saw was Maddie, running down the corridor to hug the stuffing out of me. While we had hugged a few times over the years, this was different. This was a real hug, a warm and loving hug. I was probably smiling like an idiot.

Then she kissed me on the cheek, and I kissed hers. This was completely new.

As far as birthday parties go, it in itself was just a normal birthday party for a group of early 20’s friends. Loud music, alcohol, flirting and the other usual carry on.

What I didn’t notice was anyone “with” Maddie – it would seem that if she was seeing anyone, they weren’t here, just as Shannon was not with me. Or she was single.

She hadn’t mentioned anyone during our phone call.

Given she had obviously just come home to Australia, this kind of made sense to me. Maddie knew about Shannon – we had talked a fair bit about her on the phone when she invited me along, and she never made any inference about anything other than being happy and supportive that I had found someone.

That’s just the way Maddie is.

But her calling me “babe” on the phone was in the back of my mind. I still wasn’t sure about Shannon, but I was committed to that relationship in the sense that I wanted to see where it would work out and come to. I had put a lot of energy into it, and I was here with Shannon’s blessing and I respected her for that.

The thing is, Maddie and I spent most of the evening around each other. We talked a lot, not about anything specific, but catching up and talking the shit that friends talk about when catching up after a long break. It was probably the most relaxed we had ever been with each other and I have to admit it felt nice.

Yet, we still hadn’t tackled the subject of our chat in the school library – now more than five years previous.

We didn’t on this night either – you could tell it was “there” beneath the surface, but this wasn’t the time or the place – and Maddie had shown nothing but the utmost respect for the relationship that Shannon and I were in.

We hugged tightly and kissed cheeks again at the end of the night. I don’t remember the time, it might have been 2am. Just talking to her again made me feel fantastic.

I had spent a lot of time thinking about what Shannon meant to me while she was away on her short holiday, because the last time I saw her before she left on her trip she told me that she loved me.

“I love you,” were her exact words.

This knocked me off my feet – this was the first time since Maddie had used those words to me way back in the first year of high school that someone had said them to me. I decided to use the time that she was going to be away – (around 7 to 10 days if my memory serves) – and try and decide whether it was time to take things a step further.

By the time she returned, I was ready to use the same words back to her.

Yet Maddie was still a question in mind. A question that I now felt would probably not be answered for quite some time, if ever.

The thing is, the answer came a lot sooner than I could possibly have imagined.

Shannon and I were getting along really well, but I was still nervous as hell to go any further with her. I was 20 years old, and still a virgin – but I knew she was ready for more.

I wasn’t ashamed of that status, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted more – not yet at least. That want would grow more and more in the months ahead, but I wasn’t quite ready.

Shannon and I lived in different cities – she was in the big smoke, and I was still living in a regional area with my parents while I went through university. The plan was to move to the big smoke to work once I graduated – so having a budding relationship to work on leading up to that day was exciting.

My biggest fear in moving would be living alone. I had never lived alone in my life, and despite being an introverted man, I knew being alone in a new city would be difficult. So Shannon was something of a light on my horizon.

I cared about her very much, and we spent weekends together whenever we could – probably two out of every four or five. I would have loved more time with her, but that’s just how things were working out. Even so, things were going well – it felt like enough for both of us at that time.

One Saturday night, I was studying late, and heard the house phone ringing – it might even have been 10pm, which was a bit unusual. It was a time when mobile phones were around, but they were an oddity rather than the norm they are today – but it was a time that calling number display was a pretty new thing.

My father literally hated with a passion answering the phone to telemarketers and spam calls, so he quickly jumped on the ability to see the number that was calling in. We soon had a phone that could show the number of the incoming caller, and our rule was that if we didn’t recognise the number, we wouldn’t answer.

I was the only one awake, so I left my bedroom to answer the phone. I looked down at the number and I panicked. It wasn’t an unknown number at all, it was a number I knew only too well.

It was Maddie’s number – well, at least it was her parent’s number – but it was Maddie’s number. I knew it upside down, backwards, and forwards.

Now, remember as far as I knew, Maddie was working overseas so it was more than a little bit of a surprise to see this number so late on a Saturday night. It was also odd because to the best of my knowledge, despite being reasonably close for all of these years, it was the first time either one of us had actually dialed the other’s number.

“Hello?” I answered nervously.

And down the line came that beautiful voice I hadn’t heard for nearly three years.

“Hi Andrew, how are you babe?”

Babe? Okay then, I smiled to myself.

“Hey! I’m well, how are you?” I replied.

My memory of that night tells me that we spoke for at least 45 minutes – just two old friends catching up after three years. I don’t even remember what we talked about, it was all just an excited blur to me.

As we got to the end of talking, she stopped and said, “Oh, I guess I should get to why I called?”

“I guess so!” I chuckled.

“It’s my 21st birthday in a few weeks, I was wondering if you’d like to come? I can’t imagine a day like that without you around!”

I thought of Shannon, and how I might explain to agreeing to go to Maddie’s birthday. I guess I could bring her along, but I just agreed to come and that I would be delighted to do so.

Which was absolutely true.

“Well, I’ll see you there – I can’t wait to see you!” she finished, and with that the phone call ended.

Awkward – but it was amazing, more than amazing to talk to her after so long. It was such a surprise given she had been away from Australia for some time, and I didn’t know she was home again.

I was really developing deep feelings for Shannon, and I’d need to find a way to bring this up with her. There was no way in the world I was going to miss Maddie’s 21st birthday. Your first love only turns 21 just once.

I felt like it was going to be okay.

Shannon didn’t seem upset at all, which I found a little bit odd. She wouldn’t be able to come with me anyway, even though I did invite her along at that first opportunity. She had come up during my conversation with Maddie, so it didn’t feel like it was going to be a big issue. However, Shannon was going to be away on a holiday she had booked before she and I had even met.

So it was going to be me and Maddie at Maddie’s birthday – probably with some other people we went to school with, and people I didn’t know at all.

I have to say, I was nervous as hell.

So many days had gone by, would things be any different? I was nervous that seeing Maddie again would trigger feelings I should probably be thinking about leaving in the past.

As I said last time, I wasn’t to see or talk to Maddie again for almost another three years.

I would hear about her from time to time – (our school keeps a great account of what people are doing in their lives) – and I knew she was actually working overseas, so even if I wanted to see her it would have been difficult to organise.

Of course, I did want to see her – but it wasn’t to be.

I also tried to move on with my life without her. It wasn’t easy to reach that point, but I needed to find a way. The Jennifer experience had burnt me last time I tried, but I was determined that I wouldn’t let her colour my view of the world.

I even found myself feeling good about being attracted to and interested in other women. Across the following four years of my university career, there were a number of women who caught my eye, and with whom some progress was made.

There was a girl named Nicole during the first year – she was fun and seemed pretty interested too, but it never got past a few goofy smiles at each other. Then a girl named Fiona popped into my life during the second year – we got along really well, and it seemed like something was actually going to happen, something serious. Until I found out she already had a boyfriend.

That one stung.

In the third year, there was a girl named Shannon. This was an emotional rollercoaster.

Shannon and I really were something. We actually met online initially, but from the moment we met face to face, there was clearly some real chemistry. While we were never sexually intimate in the 6 to 8 months we ended up being together, we would sleep in the same bed together, curled up against each other.

We did all manner of things together. It was going very well.

I hadn’t decided that I loved her, but there were definitely feelings going on inside of me that I hadn’t felt since I met Maddie.

I thought I had finally found someone and something truly special.

That final day came far too soon.

There was a great big school assembly with the entire student body in attendance. We were seated alphabetically so we could be called up one by one to get a parting gift from the school.

By surname, Maddie and I are at opposite ends of the alphabet so I didn’t get a chance to sit anywhere near her. I was in fact around people I didn’t really like at all, so it was a pretty cold hour or so, sitting so far away from her.

After that assembly, that was it. Everyone went home.

Everyone started the rest of their lives.

I don’t remember being sad as such, I just felt pretty empty. While I had several really good friends, Maddie was going to be the only one I missed.

The thing is, I had already gone through the emotional goodbye – that came the night before at our valedictory dinner.

That was a strange night. When you spend six years of high school, seeing everyone dressed in uniform, in the exact same way every day you see them, to see everyone dressed in their finest all in the same room together at the same time?

Weird.

I don’t have a lot of specific memories of that night. The memory was all about Maddie and the aura around her, rather than any particular single thing.

A bit like that first day back at school when I thought she was leaving, the evening got underway and Maddie was nowhere to be seen. It had been some weeks since the end of our final exams, so I hadn’t seen her in all of that time.

As such, I was really looking forward to seeing her, so the evening hadn’t started well. I was feeling the dark clouds approaching.

Maddie eventually showed about 20 minutes late – and it was worth the wait. I could count the number of times I had seen her out of school uniform on just my fingers.

But on this night? She looked amazing.

Her blonde hair was up and styled beautifully. She wore a black dress that I remember being just a little above her knees. Gorgeous jewellery and black high heels. Perfect makeup.

The girl I had loved for six years was not here. That night I fell in love with the beautiful woman Maddie had become. I’m smiling so hard right now as I type this, and can see that image in my mind.

It is burned into my memory. My beautiful Maddie. Many years later, I came across a picture of her from that night in a Facebook group set up for our year group.

I hold that picture so very dear.

At the end of the night, our parting words were brief. I was waiting at the front of the school for a ride home, when Maddie walked past on the way to her car.

She smiled, and just said “Goodbye Andrew.”

I smiled back, and said just a single word.

“Goodbye.”

I watched her walk into the darkness.

I wouldn’t see her or talk to her again for nearly three years.

This was the time I most relate to the beginning of my mental health issues. The thoroughly unexpected and brutal snub from Jennifer really felt like a knife in the chest.

Don’t get me wrong – while I was quite shocked that she had turned me down, with all the stories going around that she was into me, I’ve never in my life taken a turn-down from a woman as something personal. You can’t make someone love you, and if they’re not feeling it there isn’t much you can do about it.

It’s not a character flaw – something that toxic men seem to think is the case with women who say no to them. I’ve never been “that guy” and I never will be. People will only feel what they feel, no matter how hard you try to “change their minds”.

It was more how she treated me afterwards that hurt. We were never best friends, not by any measurable metric – but we would talk. It was warm, and friendly, and it felt nice.

Then she actively never spoke to me again. Was asking someone out such a horrible thing?

That was the only logical conclusion I was able to draw at the time. When I found out in later years that I had Asperger’s – (a name that isn’t really used for that form of autism spectrum disorder any longer) – it made more sense.

We are totally logical – everything has to make sense and have a black or white answer. Jennifer was being actively hurtful to me, and all I had done was ask her out to a movie. So doing that must be what made her act like this towards me.

There wasn’t any other logical explanation – at least not within my own scope of understanding. I’ve long since moved past how she made me feel, but I’ve never understood it.

As I’ve gotten older and understood myself on a deeper level, I am able to connect many thoughts and feelings together that I couldn’t do when these things were happening in my life.

At the time though – this concept that just asking her out had turned her completely against me as a person, that was my only answer. Instinctively I knew that that was no good reason for her to be so cold towards me, and it really screwed with my head all through the rest of that school year, and all through the next.

Confidence – (already a difficult thing for me) – was further damaged. I had rustled up so much courage to even ask out someone who wasn’t Maddie, that her reaction deeply fractured my mind into deeper and more complicated feelings of self-doubt.

I feel into a depression that lasted long after I finished high school. I went back to the psychologist I had seen during my early mental struggles with Maddie some years earlier. She was concerned about how my thought processes were coagulating into such a messy space.

Maddie still understood that something wasn’t quite right with me, and tried to reach out her hand to me quite a few times. We weren’t in the same class group in that final year of high school, so we weren’t around each other a lot.

We did take time to talk every now and then, and I could tell she wanted to ask why I was so down, and if there was anything she could do to help.

Maddie always understood – (and still does today) – that it was better for me to reach the emotional steps on my own, and that she or anyone else could only nudge me in the right direction. I still had to find my way there myself.

Our friendship in that final year of high school was valuable – Maddie kept me on the level by not even saying a word, but by being genuine with me. By being honest with me.

This was our last year of school together – what was I going to do after that? Unlike that first year where I had gotten this dumb idea into my head that she was leaving, this was real.

That hurt even more.

I needed Maddie more than I ever had before – but this time she really was going to slip away, and in my fragile mental state, I feared that last day would be the day she would walk away from me.

I had decided to ask Jennifer if she would like to go out some time, immediately after one of those maths classes that I both dreaded and looked forward to. The timetable left this class as the last class of the day a couple of times a week.

I thought that would be perfect.

As was usual for me, I spent a couple of weeks getting my head together and psyching myself up.

On one of the days that class we spent together fell at the end of the day, the vibe between Jennifer and I was really obvious. It put me in the right frame of mind.

I was scared shitless – I was highly self-conscious, as was usually the case – but I had found myself in the zone I thought I needed to be in.

Even the very day before, I had heard some of her closest friends telling me directly that she liked me – and that really boosted my confidence.

Her friends were telling me that!

I had also had “warnings” from others that Jennifer was something of an egotist – a vain person who made things all about herself. I had never seen that in her at all though, she just seemed really nice to me.

So – it was time.

I made sure that I followed her out of the classroom, right behind her so that I could strike up the conversation. My heart was pounding, but I was ready.

“Jennifer, hey, would you perhaps like to go and see a movie together some time?”

I was so proud of myself, I didn’t even struggle to get the words out, which was my number one fear going into this.

She stopped and looked at me with an incredulous look on her face.

“Umm, how about no?” came her response.

That hit me like a thunderbolt.

Here was this girl, who for a year and a half I had heard stories – (including the day before) – that she liked me. A girl with who would smile at me in the school yard, and who for weeks and weeks there had been an obvious chemistry.

And she blurted out this cold, brutal and almost obnoxious “no” to my question. A question I had to psych myself into even asking.

To be fair to her, she could not have known how much emotional effort I had needed to get to the point of asking her out.

But…….what?

As someone who even to this day struggles with confidence, and at sixteen on this particular day struggled even harder – this was devastating.

I withdrew deep into my shell, and I was a mess.

The only person to notice something was up was Maddie. She was the person I needed to talk to and be comforted by right now – but I couldn’t talk to her about it, because there was still this tinge of guilt from wanting to ask someone different out.

To make matters worse, Jennifer never spoke to me again. Not once, not ever. Instead of smiling at me in the school yard, she would notice me and deliberately turn around and walk the other way.

Even at school reunions in later years, there’s always at least one moment that our eyes meet, and she has this look of disdain for me in her eyes.

I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of reaction – all I did was ask out someone who I seem to have a genuine chemistry with.

And I felt even worse about “cheating” on Maddie. I thought Jennifer might have been someone to release me from my one-track focus on Maddie.

Yet I had “picked” someone who just crushed me.