Jennifer was very different to Maddie, and I didn’t really know her.

I didn’t even remember ever being in the same room as her, yet there was an “across the school yard” attraction, and when the story started circulating that she was interested in me, she became even more interesting to me.

But I still knew nothing about her, and my heart was still very much with Maddie. Yes, Jennifer was interesting, but I still loved Maddie one hundred percent.

The end of the school year came again, and it was finally a Christmas holiday when I wasn’t heartbroken over Maddie in some way. Our rebuilt friendship was fulfilling me greatly, and while I still desperately craved being even closer to her, I wasn’t about to wreck the friendship again.

I could wait for her heart and I could wait for her love. It had been four years by now, and my feelings didn’t feel like they would ever dry up.

The new year saw Maddie and I in the same class group once again, for the second year in a row. That was exactly what I needed, and we grew our friendship further.

We had never been closer, yet we still hadn’t spoken about “us” since that day in the library the year before. I wanted to, and I could sometimes see in her eyes that she wanted to talk too.

Neither of us brought it up though.

Ever.

The thoughts and curiosity about Jennifer hadn’t really continued. There was still an attraction there, and I did see her smile at me from time to time in the school grounds. That was nice, but I was happy living in the space I was already living in.

I never made any kind of move, and neither did she.

About halfway through the year, there was a big change. Jennifer and I ended up in a maths class together, and for the first time we were around each other, interacting. There was a vibe between us that was quite distinct.

In hindsight, the fact that the stories that she liked me were still going around probably drew me in more than any real feelings I had. I did develop quite strong feelings for Jennifer, but was never sure I wanted to do anything about it.

I wouldn’t describe us as being close – far from it – but there was something there, and I was really starting to enjoy her company, and even started looking forward to the maths class, despite it being a class I was struggling with and dreaded.

A couple of months went past, and I found myself wondering if I should ask her out.

Now, in the first instance, this was a massive mental and emotional leap for me. This wasn’t Maddie. I still loved Maddie, but I found myself mesmerised by the simple chemistry Jennifer and I seemed to share.

I felt guilty as hell. I felt like I was cheating on Maddie.

But was it the right time?

As the days and weeks continued, and I got to know her more – I started to be sure that it was the right time, that it was time to allow myself that chance.

It was nerve-wracking – but I was thinking about it more and more, and thinking more and more about how I would ask her out.

I decided that it was time to try.

People were saying she liked me, yet I didn’t know what she wanted from me. I could also possibly free of this view of Maddie being the only possible holder of my heart.

What was I scared of?

I was scared of hurting Maddie.

It was interesting that despite Maddie and I both being keen to talk about everything, that we never spoke much about it for many years.

There was a time later that same year where she started flirting a little with me, but me being me, while I noticed, my low confidence came back to the surface and I didn’t act on it.

It is a definite theme in my life that I rarely have the confidence to take the first step in relationships or even potential relationships. I always need a kick in the pants to get the message.

Years later it would make a lot more sense, when one day Maddie would tell me that she always struggled with confidence too. I would never have picked that back then but looking back now it does make a lot of things that did – (and didn’t) – happen, make a lot more sense.

We spent the rest of that year as good friends – re-learning what it was we liked about each other. There was no doubt I knew what I liked and loved about her, but after not really giving her the respect she deserved, she definitely needed time to find that with me again.

I was always happy to give her all the time in the world she needed to do that. Being back in the same class group again, having to be around each other again most of the day I think helped that process a great deal.

It forced us to face the questions that needed answering, and conversely it was also the catalyst that started the rebuilding of our friendship. We never hated each other, and being around each other again all the time seemed to highlight to each other the things we still liked about each other.

I was at a position in my own heart where while Maddie was absolutely still the number one flame in that heart, there was also this feeling inside of me that our chance had come and gone. Sure, we could and would absolutely be friends again, but was a romantic relationship even ever going to be possible?

I felt that it probably wasn’t possible. I would never walk away from a chance to be with her, but I felt that too much had happened. Too much water under the bridge.

I was just happy that we were friends again – because for the best part of two years, we absolutely were not.

There was also a new girl at the school that year, a girl I found quite attractive – however, she was in another class group, and had never actually interacted with her in any way.

There was however a story going around that she liked me. I didn’t understand that at all, because although I knew who she was, I didn’t know her. How could she like someone she didn’t know?

It is however an interesting head space to find yourself in – learning that someone likes you, and then stopping to wonder why. Whether you are trying to or not, you find yourself at least asking the question. Here’s someone who supposedly likes me – what would it feel like to be with them?

I felt guilty as hell even thinking about it – my heart was well and truly locked on Maddie. Yet, here I was wondering. Parsing the thoughts in my head. I was attracted to her, so thinking it was probably natural.

It was nice to feel that someone was interested in me. For the sake of the story, we will call her Jennifer.

I never went beyond the thoughts, at least not yet. I was still waiting for Maddie to be ready to talk, so as interesting as this new girl might have been on some levels, I never let her break through the wall I had built around my heart for Maddie.

I did have to accept that the thoughts were there, and my sense was that my heart was in danger.

Quite a few months went by after that. The tension between us was gone, and the air was more or less cleared.

Nothing was spoken about any romantic feelings each of us did or didn’t have for each other. Right now, it was all about rebuilding the friendship.

Maddie wasn’t exactly jumping towards spending any specific time with me or near me, and I was still happy to just give her the time she had asked for.

The friendship was however on its way to being fixed.

We would chat from time to time and things were cool – but we were both clearly steering clear of talking about our previous conversation in the library.

Even now, all these years later – the memory of that conversation, despite it being somewhat of a stalemate discussion, sticks with me all of the time. It was the first time I had ever been brave enough and open enough to put feelings out there.

Properly.

This was the time that provided me with the second “signature” song that I hold in my heart for Maddie, a beautiful song that was extremely popular all over the world at the time, a global hit.

For me, it just hit the mood, the feeling, and the space I was in – Richard Marx’s Right Here Waiting.

By legend, Marx wrote this song in 15 to 20 minutes when he was missing his soon-to-be wife, who was working on a movie on the other side of the planet. Quite literally, “oceans apart” as the song begins. I’ve also heard him talk about how a song he wrote for very personal reasons – (and which he originally wasn’t even going to record) – had become adopted to so many different people’s lives and situations, and with so many different interpretations of the lyrics.

For me, the “oceans apart” was not a physical distance, but an emotional distance.

Yes, Maddie and I had started repairing our friendship, and that was incredibly important to me – but the discussion about “where we were” had been almost ignored every day since our talk in the library.

I was as frustrated as Marx was when he tried to visit his wife where she was working, but was denied entry after flying there just to see her. They sent him home again, and he wrote the song.

One day in the second half of the year, I tried to very carefully open the conversation. I didn’t want to press it, but just wanted to make sure it hadn’t been forgotten about. I still didn’t think it was going to happen between us, but I wasn’t going to leave it to chance and not say anything ever again.

“Hey Maddie, how you doing?”, I carefully asked.

“I’m okay, but I’m not ready to talk about this”, she said, completely understanding what my question was really asking.

“I understand, I’ll be here, waiting for you, when you’re ready”, I responded, cheekily putting the song into the ethos of whatever she and I really were.

She smiled.

It was yet another new year – I felt like this was getting a bit ridiculous by now. Every year, the story kept getting held over to the new school year.

Never deliberately, fate would just awkwardly twist it that way over and over again – but this time, I was more determined to fix this than I had ever been determined about anything before. Whether Maddie even liked me – (let alone loved me) – after this was actually secondary to my thinking.

I simply had to come clean about my feelings, and just accept where that left her feeling.

I had a feeling that it would come to head pretty quickly too – since for the first time since that first year of high school, we found ourselves in the same class group. We were going to be around each other all day every day again.

It didn’t take long to get the vibe that it was coming to a head. There was a notable tension between us. There was a clear frustrated set of emotions coming from Maddie towards me, and I am pretty sure she understood the feelings of “almost” fear coming from me.

I say “almost” because I wasn’t frightened of her – not in the slightest – I still loved her every bit as much and probably more than ever before. There was however, fear regarding how she was going to respond when I came clean.

Other people were noticing the tension too. People would look at Maddie, then at me, than back at Maddie, and then back to me – and clearly have these “what the fuck is going on here?” looks on their faces.

It was becoming more and more disruptive to the class as more and more people started to pick up on the really awkward tension between Maddie and I.

This made me more and more determined to sort it out. I didn’t want this – Maddie and me – to be a disruptive influence in the class room.

I thought about re-doing the letter from the end of the previous year – remember it was written completely within the context of the end of the previous year, and wouldn’t have made sense if I just printed another copy and sent it to her now. I wouldn’t have needed to change much, if I’m honest – but I wasn’t sure it was going to be the right way to put an end to this.

Once again, I decided to just let the moment come at the right time, for the right reason.

A few weeks into the year, that moment came.

We found ourselves sitting nearby to each other in the school library one lunch break. There weren’t a lot of people around, and we’d absolutely both noted that the other was nearby.

I had been trying to just “be” nearby to her in non-classroom situations, and this was just another example of that. I guess I was just trying to engineer the encounter.

Pretending to be studying, I waited.

“Hey Andrew”, came the start of the conversation. “I think we should talk. I think we’ve both noticed the way other people are seeing us at the moment.”

“Yeah, I have”, were my first words in response. “We’ve let this drag out for far too long.”

There was a minute or two pause in the conversation. She was waiting for me to say what I needed to say, and what she deserved to hear me say. After all, it was up to me to fix my mistake – not for her to give me an easy out.

“I know I’ve said differently in the past”, I started.

“But I really do have a lot of feelings for you Maddie. I don’t know why I have lied to you so much about how I feel, and I could never tell you enough how sorry I am for how I’ve acted.”

There was a frustrated look on her face, and that confused me. I was still fairly certain she had feelings for me, so I kind of thought she would be relieved to hear those words.

I am sure she was, but the sense I was getting back was that I might have already damaged things too much – (which I believed was true) – and that I’d not picked up that before now.

“I don’t know what else to say”, I continued. “I get the feeling now that I’ve probably messed things up forever, but I glad that you know how I feel now. It’s taken me three and half years to get it out.”

“It’s a relief, but I can’t say anything more, or ask anything of you. I’ve been a dickhead.”

There was a good five minutes pause this time. I was trying to read her body language, but wasn’t picking much up.

Finally she spoke.

“You’re not a dickhead Andrew. I’ve always appreciated that you were a shy kind of guy, and I’ve always known that you care about me.”

My heart was pounding.

“I just need some time to take this in, and decide how I feel”, she said.

“I need to decide what do I do now?”

Those final words took me a little by surprise, and it wasn’t long until the first bell for the end of lunch went to move onto the next class.

Surprised because it didn’t say “no, no way Andrew”. She’d left the question open as to whether anything could or would happen from there – and I absolutely wasn’t expecting that.

Maddie reached out her hand to mine, and holding it gently said, “let’s talk soon, but just give me some time.”

I wanted to say “take all the time you need Maddie, because I love you” – but that probably wasn’t the best thing to say right at that moment. I smiled at her, nodded, and tried to say it with my eyes.

I walked away feeling okay, but my pulse was racing, and my head was spinning. Maddie finally knew for sure that I loved her, and that was a buzz – but I was scared out of my mind because I didn’t know what was coming next.

We didn’t speak about it for several months after that – but she asked for time, so I was giving her all the time she needed to process the situation.

Being pretty sure that she still had feelings for me, I was encouraged – but I still thought I had done too much damage, and that we needed to work on being friends again. The previous year had been difficult for our friendship.

I wasn’t about to push too much and strain it further.

I would let the situation progress naturally, and see where we ended up. I was in no hurry, and was happy to allow all the needed time to pass by.

Because I loved her.

Was I prepared to wait until the new school year – again?

Did I want another Christmas break with a broken heart over Maddie?

I had to be braver, and I needed to fix things as soon as possible. The longer this went on, the worse it was going to be. It had already been almost a year and a half. I was not proud of how I had dealt with everything.

I felt like an arsehole.

Right near the end of the year, I decided that I wasn’t going to wait – but I still needed to find the right words – I had told her multiple times that the feelings I absolutely did have, weren’t really there. I would need to pick and choose the right words. Very carefully.

It was then I remembered that I had considered doing this whole thing right from the start with a love letter. A couple of anonymous ones, perhaps then a “clue letter” so she might figure out it was me and come to me anyway. Finally a “reveal all” letter if she’d not come to me already.

I decided back then that it might have seemed a bit cowardly to do it that way – but right now, I wished I had gone that way. Right now, it seemed like the right thing to do.

Nothing anonymous. Something truly honest. I had to explain myself, and just put myself out there for my possible execution.

In many ways, it no longer mattered to me if she felt the same way or not. Obviously, I was craving that she still did feel something for me, but that wasn’t my first priority.

I finally had to be honest with her, and whatever the outcome – her loving me, or her hating me – I had to accept the outcome. I had fucked it up, but I needed to fix it either way.

So with about two weeks to go in the school year, I started to work on a letter every spare moment I had. I had a scribble pad – (that I no longer have, but dearly wish was still around) – and I filled its pages with random thoughts and paragraphs that made sense.

An explosion of thoughts that I would then pull together into what would hopefully be an honest, coherent letter full of humility and grace. If this was going to be my last chance to impress her, I was going to get it right.

With a couple of days remaining, I had basically 90% of how I wanted it to be. I spoke of how I felt, how I was so massively sorry for lying to her, how I would accept whatever her position on all of this was. I could not ask her to be with me.

I could only tell her how I felt, and leave the rest to her. She deserved to be in control of the outcome, I owed her that much.

On the night before the final school day of the year, I decided to type the letter up – then I could edit and trim and tweak it, then print it out. All I had to do then was find a way to get it to her the next day.

Did I get it perfect? I’m not sure, and I’ll never know – because I didn’t get a chance to have her receive it.

I tried to find her school bag in the locker area, but she’d not brought her bag to school that day, and her locker was already open, empty and had no padlock on it any longer. I found no moment where I could be close to her to even just hand it to her.

I was devastated, because I had poured my heart and soul into this letter – and it was going to go to waste. It was written in the specific context of that single day. It would have made no sense the day before, and no sense the day after.

I was broken.

I trudged off to the school room in which my final session of the year was going to be held. It was still some minutes before the bell to start that session, but the room was already open – so I went in, alone.

I needed to be alone for a bit. The cacophony of that final day with everyone excited and letting their hair down was too much for me, and it was overloading me. A few minutes of peace in an empty classroom was exactly what I needed.

However, the room wasn’t as empty as I thought. On a desk in the middle of the room was a single school blazer. I thought that the owner better not forget about it, because it was going to be a long summer break where they wouldn’t be able to get it back for weeks and weeks if they didn’t collect it now.

A few other people started drifting into the room as the session start time approached.

Luckily for the owner of the blazer, they remembered it and came to collect it.

It was Maddie. It was Maddie’s blazer.

She bounded into the room, and asked one of the other people in the room to pass her her blazer.

“Damn, nearly forgot that!” she said.

I had been alone in this room for a good five minutes – just me and Maddie’s blazer. The letter was in my pocket.

But I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was her blazer!

I had all the time in the world to catch my breath, pop the letter in her pocket, and start the journey to my hopeful – (but unlikely) – redemption.

It was right there in front of me! If only I had known!

I pushed myself through that session in emotional anguish – the perfect chance was there, and now it was gone.

I got out of there as soon as I possibly could when that final bell rang.

I caught the bus home, and bawled my eyes out the whole way.

It really was going to be another Christmas break full of pain – and Maddie still didn’t know.

This was going to be my last try.

I tried not to think too much about Maddie over that break – but that was always going to be impossible.

I don’t know why I was so convinced that I loved her – truly loved her – without any real perspective of what love really meant. How does a 13-year-old who can’t even admit his feelings know that he is in love?

I wasn’t – but that’s how I felt at the time. However, many years later I would figure out that while I couldn’t have known at the time, that what I felt for her could quite possibly really have been love.

My romantic experiences for the rest of my life would teach me just how wonderful Maddie was – that just maybe I found the right love at that very first moment my heart was able to feel anything.

However, at this time – I had to figure out how I would handle things when the new school year started.

My time with the psychologist – (who I was still seeing occasionally, and having progressed through a short course of pretty mild anti-depressants) – had leveled me off quite a lot. It was still a big emotional hurdle I had to leap over – but I was no longer being so hyper-critical of myself.

I felt I could do this.

It wasn’t as easy as I hoped.

I didn’t know how to tackle it, so I decided to just let it progress naturally – the right moment would present itself at the right time. We would just find ourselves in a setting somewhere along the way, and we’d talk about it, and figure it out.

Once again we found ourselves in different class groups, so there could still be a comfortable distance while I figured things out – but it would turn out to be a very cold year.

Every time a moment did present itself, every time a moment to interact came upon us, it was cold and frosty. Her attitude towards me was not spiteful or hurtful – nothing that bad – but she was almost angry with me.

I say almost because I could tell she didn’t want to be angry with me, but she was clearly upset and frustrated. It was always awkward, and that was hard to accept.

I had to accept it, because it was my fault. I wasn’t scared, but feeling those vibes from her destroyed the small amount of confidence I had built up.

I was no longer sure I could do this.

She did ask about it a few times – always with a frustrated tone in her voice. I had always felt comfortable around her in most situations, but now I was terrified of her.

I could never bring myself to own up to my feelings.

She did pin me against a wall in a corridor one day, and almost demanded that I be honest with her.

That scared the shit out of me. I had never seen so little of her usual beauty in her glowing blue eyes. It still wasn’t anger – but it was a side of her I had never encountered before.

I still didn’t come clean, but this was the moment I decided it was absolutely time to fix it, or never fix it at all.

Was it going to be love? Or was it going to be over forever?

This particular post is probably going to be difficult to write, for the time I am about to write about is very disjointed and very disconnected.

I was in so much emotional distress. I had lied to Maddie about how I felt about her, and I was utterly confused. It was truly traumatic.

I had always, and still do pride myself in being an honest person. Everyone tells little white lies from time to time, but this was as far from white as could possibly be.

Maddie had always shown an interest in me, and I felt that she was probably just as confused as I was.

To deal with it – (at least in some fashion) – I went back to how I decided she must have felt the year before when she had been asking my friends how I felt about her, and how out of pure fear I had feigned that I wasn’t feeling anything for her. How she had probably decided that despite her interest, I didn’t feel the same.

But that created a spiral – I now realised that I had lied to her about my feelings twice. Neither time was it intentional, but my lack of courage, my lack of empathy had seen me fail those two big tests in my life.

Worst of all, I had let her down, and possibly – (or even probably) – broken her heart.

I crashed into a deep depression – for the first but not to be the last time in my life.

As I said, I had always prided myself on being a decent and honest person, so to find myself in this position, a position caused by myself? I just couldn’t cope.

I suffered through it for a couple of months before I sought help. My parents knew something was wrong, and to this day they don’t know what it was about. I told them I needed some help, and we went looking for a psychologist I could talk to.

I was only 13.

I felt that a female psychologist would be better for me – I had a feeling a male voice would just go to the “man up, get over it” line, and that’s not what I thought I needed. I needed a real listener, someone with empathy who would listen to how I felt about Maddie, and could give me a female perspective, to try and understand how Maddie might have been feeling.

I spent one hour a fortnight talking. The psychologist we chose was actually more than I could have hoped. Not the stereotypical older person, but a younger woman, perhaps in her late 20’s or early 30’s – I was too polite to ask.

I think her younger age allowed her to more easily relate to “younger romances”, and she was more than helpful with her ability to “get it”. Her tone was always calm and understanding, and she assured me that what had happened wasn’t exactly something unusual, but that I had dug myself into quite an emotional hole.

A hole I needed to climb out of before I could move on.

Her message after three or four months of mostly fortnightly sessions was that when I was ready, I had to fix it. She said Maddie probably still knew that I cared about her, but would have been hurt and confused by my response.

Maybe even as confused as I was.

By now it was the end of the school year, and I decided to take the holidays to pull myself together, and try and fix things in the new year.

It was funny, I thought – that 12 months beforehand, I had somehow managed to convince myself that Maddie was leaving the school, that I was losing her. That I had lost her.

This year, I might have lost her again – but because of my own stupid emotional response to fear.

I did decide it was time to fix it. I had to be honest with Maddie, no matter what her reaction would be.

I wasn’t going to let myself lose her again.

Somehow, I now felt that she was going to be in my life for a long time – but it was up to me to make that happen.