It is all a massive blur. A painful, messy, confusing and emotional blur.
“Andrew, I’ve heard a few people suggest that you really like me?”
I was frozen in fear.
“No, where did you hear that?”
Even now, all these years later, hearing myself say those words makes me disconnect from myself.
Why?
Why did I say that?
I can hear the ringing in my ears again.
I couldn’t understand what had just happened. I had spent a couple of months building myself up, psyching myself up for this moment.
I was nervous, but confident that if I could just “leap off that cliff”, that regardless of Maddie’s response – good, bad, or otherwise – that things would be okay.
All I had to do was tell her that yes, yes I really liked her.
I didn’t even have to use the word “love” – I just had to walk through the door she might open for me, and see what was inside.
But I froze, and I had basically denied the feelings that I was truly trying to express.
To this day, I still don’t understand how those words came out my mouth.
It was fear, definitely – but I felt that I had overcome that fear, that I was ready to be afraid, to be brave and face those fears, and finally – maybe – allow what could possibly be, to actually be.
She seemed just as confused. The end of that brief conversation felt awkward and wrong.
I walked away in a daze, and I felt broken within myself.
Here I was, ready to unlock that door and walk inside – and all I had done was walk up to the door, pressed the doorbell and run away.
I felt worthless, I felt like a fake. It was a Friday, and I went home and cried for most of the weekend.
Maybe I could get through that weekend, get myself together, and fix it on Monday?
She deserved an honest heart, and I had let her down. The overwhelming emotion was that she knew I was lying.
It felt like she had seen right through me.
What could I do?