I tried not to think too much about Maddie over that break – but that was always going to be impossible.
I don’t know why I was so convinced that I loved her – truly loved her – without any real perspective of what love really meant. How does a 13-year-old who can’t even admit his feelings know that he is in love?
I wasn’t – but that’s how I felt at the time. However, many years later I would figure out that while I couldn’t have known at the time, that what I felt for her could quite possibly really have been love.
My romantic experiences for the rest of my life would teach me just how wonderful Maddie was – that just maybe I found the right love at that very first moment my heart was able to feel anything.
However, at this time – I had to figure out how I would handle things when the new school year started.
My time with the psychologist – (who I was still seeing occasionally, and having progressed through a short course of pretty mild anti-depressants) – had leveled me off quite a lot. It was still a big emotional hurdle I had to leap over – but I was no longer being so hyper-critical of myself.
I felt I could do this.
It wasn’t as easy as I hoped.
I didn’t know how to tackle it, so I decided to just let it progress naturally – the right moment would present itself at the right time. We would just find ourselves in a setting somewhere along the way, and we’d talk about it, and figure it out.
Once again we found ourselves in different class groups, so there could still be a comfortable distance while I figured things out – but it would turn out to be a very cold year.
Every time a moment did present itself, every time a moment to interact came upon us, it was cold and frosty. Her attitude towards me was not spiteful or hurtful – nothing that bad – but she was almost angry with me.
I say almost because I could tell she didn’t want to be angry with me, but she was clearly upset and frustrated. It was always awkward, and that was hard to accept.
I had to accept it, because it was my fault. I wasn’t scared, but feeling those vibes from her destroyed the small amount of confidence I had built up.
I was no longer sure I could do this.
She did ask about it a few times – always with a frustrated tone in her voice. I had always felt comfortable around her in most situations, but now I was terrified of her.
I could never bring myself to own up to my feelings.
She did pin me against a wall in a corridor one day, and almost demanded that I be honest with her.
That scared the shit out of me. I had never seen so little of her usual beauty in her glowing blue eyes. It still wasn’t anger – but it was a side of her I had never encountered before.
I still didn’t come clean, but this was the moment I decided it was absolutely time to fix it, or never fix it at all.
Was it going to be love? Or was it going to be over forever?