Jennifer was very different to Maddie, and I didn’t really know her.
I didn’t even remember ever being in the same room as her, yet there was an “across the school yard” attraction, and when the story started circulating that she was interested in me, she became even more interesting to me.
But I still knew nothing about her, and my heart was still very much with Maddie. Yes, Jennifer was interesting, but I still loved Maddie one hundred percent.
The end of the school year came again, and it was finally a Christmas holiday when I wasn’t heartbroken over Maddie in some way. Our rebuilt friendship was fulfilling me greatly, and while I still desperately craved being even closer to her, I wasn’t about to wreck the friendship again.
I could wait for her heart and I could wait for her love. It had been four years by now, and my feelings didn’t feel like they would ever dry up.
The new year saw Maddie and I in the same class group once again, for the second year in a row. That was exactly what I needed, and we grew our friendship further.
We had never been closer, yet we still hadn’t spoken about “us” since that day in the library the year before. I wanted to, and I could sometimes see in her eyes that she wanted to talk too.
Neither of us brought it up though.
Ever.
The thoughts and curiosity about Jennifer hadn’t really continued. There was still an attraction there, and I did see her smile at me from time to time in the school grounds. That was nice, but I was happy living in the space I was already living in.
I never made any kind of move, and neither did she.
About halfway through the year, there was a big change. Jennifer and I ended up in a maths class together, and for the first time we were around each other, interacting. There was a vibe between us that was quite distinct.
In hindsight, the fact that the stories that she liked me were still going around probably drew me in more than any real feelings I had. I did develop quite strong feelings for Jennifer, but was never sure I wanted to do anything about it.
I wouldn’t describe us as being close – far from it – but there was something there, and I was really starting to enjoy her company, and even started looking forward to the maths class, despite it being a class I was struggling with and dreaded.
A couple of months went past, and I found myself wondering if I should ask her out.
Now, in the first instance, this was a massive mental and emotional leap for me. This wasn’t Maddie. I still loved Maddie, but I found myself mesmerised by the simple chemistry Jennifer and I seemed to share.
I felt guilty as hell. I felt like I was cheating on Maddie.
But was it the right time?
As the days and weeks continued, and I got to know her more – I started to be sure that it was the right time, that it was time to allow myself that chance.
It was nerve-wracking – but I was thinking about it more and more, and thinking more and more about how I would ask her out.
I decided that it was time to try.
People were saying she liked me, yet I didn’t know what she wanted from me. I could also possibly free of this view of Maddie being the only possible holder of my heart.
What was I scared of?
I was scared of hurting Maddie.