It was interesting that despite Maddie and I both being keen to talk about everything, that we never spoke much about it for many years.
There was a time later that same year where she started flirting a little with me, but me being me, while I noticed, my low confidence came back to the surface and I didn’t act on it.
It is a definite theme in my life that I rarely have the confidence to take the first step in relationships or even potential relationships. I always need a kick in the pants to get the message.
Years later it would make a lot more sense, when one day Maddie would tell me that she always struggled with confidence too. I would never have picked that back then but looking back now it does make a lot of things that did – (and didn’t) – happen, make a lot more sense.
We spent the rest of that year as good friends – re-learning what it was we liked about each other. There was no doubt I knew what I liked and loved about her, but after not really giving her the respect she deserved, she definitely needed time to find that with me again.
I was always happy to give her all the time in the world she needed to do that. Being back in the same class group again, having to be around each other again most of the day I think helped that process a great deal.
It forced us to face the questions that needed answering, and conversely it was also the catalyst that started the rebuilding of our friendship. We never hated each other, and being around each other again all the time seemed to highlight to each other the things we still liked about each other.
I was at a position in my own heart where while Maddie was absolutely still the number one flame in that heart, there was also this feeling inside of me that our chance had come and gone. Sure, we could and would absolutely be friends again, but was a romantic relationship even ever going to be possible?
I felt that it probably wasn’t possible. I would never walk away from a chance to be with her, but I felt that too much had happened. Too much water under the bridge.
I was just happy that we were friends again – because for the best part of two years, we absolutely were not.
There was also a new girl at the school that year, a girl I found quite attractive – however, she was in another class group, and had never actually interacted with her in any way.
There was however a story going around that she liked me. I didn’t understand that at all, because although I knew who she was, I didn’t know her. How could she like someone she didn’t know?
It is however an interesting head space to find yourself in – learning that someone likes you, and then stopping to wonder why. Whether you are trying to or not, you find yourself at least asking the question. Here’s someone who supposedly likes me – what would it feel like to be with them?
I felt guilty as hell even thinking about it – my heart was well and truly locked on Maddie. Yet, here I was wondering. Parsing the thoughts in my head. I was attracted to her, so thinking it was probably natural.
It was nice to feel that someone was interested in me. For the sake of the story, we will call her Jennifer.
I never went beyond the thoughts, at least not yet. I was still waiting for Maddie to be ready to talk, so as interesting as this new girl might have been on some levels, I never let her break through the wall I had built around my heart for Maddie.
I did have to accept that the thoughts were there, and my sense was that my heart was in danger.