I had decided to ask Jennifer if she would like to go out some time, immediately after one of those maths classes that I both dreaded and looked forward to. The timetable left this class as the last class of the day a couple of times a week.
I thought that would be perfect.
As was usual for me, I spent a couple of weeks getting my head together and psyching myself up.
On one of the days that class we spent together fell at the end of the day, the vibe between Jennifer and I was really obvious. It put me in the right frame of mind.
I was scared shitless – I was highly self-conscious, as was usually the case – but I had found myself in the zone I thought I needed to be in.
Even the very day before, I had heard some of her closest friends telling me directly that she liked me – and that really boosted my confidence.
Her friends were telling me that!
I had also had “warnings” from others that Jennifer was something of an egotist – a vain person who made things all about herself. I had never seen that in her at all though, she just seemed really nice to me.
So – it was time.
I made sure that I followed her out of the classroom, right behind her so that I could strike up the conversation. My heart was pounding, but I was ready.
“Jennifer, hey, would you perhaps like to go and see a movie together some time?”
I was so proud of myself, I didn’t even struggle to get the words out, which was my number one fear going into this.
She stopped and looked at me with an incredulous look on her face.
“Umm, how about no?” came her response.
That hit me like a thunderbolt.
Here was this girl, who for a year and a half I had heard stories – (including the day before) – that she liked me. A girl with who would smile at me in the school yard, and who for weeks and weeks there had been an obvious chemistry.
And she blurted out this cold, brutal and almost obnoxious “no” to my question. A question I had to psych myself into even asking.
To be fair to her, she could not have known how much emotional effort I had needed to get to the point of asking her out.
But…….what?
As someone who even to this day struggles with confidence, and at sixteen on this particular day struggled even harder – this was devastating.
I withdrew deep into my shell, and I was a mess.
The only person to notice something was up was Maddie. She was the person I needed to talk to and be comforted by right now – but I couldn’t talk to her about it, because there was still this tinge of guilt from wanting to ask someone different out.
To make matters worse, Jennifer never spoke to me again. Not once, not ever. Instead of smiling at me in the school yard, she would notice me and deliberately turn around and walk the other way.
Even at school reunions in later years, there’s always at least one moment that our eyes meet, and she has this look of disdain for me in her eyes.
I didn’t do anything to deserve that kind of reaction – all I did was ask out someone who I seem to have a genuine chemistry with.
And I felt even worse about “cheating” on Maddie. I thought Jennifer might have been someone to release me from my one-track focus on Maddie.
Yet I had “picked” someone who just crushed me.