Life without Maddie around was a cold place.
There was no doubt whatsoever that we would still care for each other, but after that fleeting moment on Boxing Day, she just seemed to disappear. I didn’t know where she was, and that was scary to me – I always took great comfort that I knew where I could find her.
She had moved out of her parents home, I presume to live with her fiancé and get married and be happy.
I was absolutely over the moon for her, but I no longer had any kind of chance to win her heart, and it was an empty feeling.
Still, much like the previous time our worlds disconnected, I tried to move on without her. It was what she would have wanted me to do.
The difference was that last time, I thought I loved her – but this time I was sure that I loved her.
My final year of university started, and something was different. I don’t know if my resignation that Maddie was now completely out of my reach forever changed the way I carried myself, and how people saw me.
The whole vibe was different, and women seemed to be noticing me. That was absolutely terrifying as someone who still basically had zero confidence in himself.
There was an amazing girl named Amber at university who had been flirting with me a little the year before, but this year she came on a lot stronger. Frankly, she was gorgeous and we were already good friends. However, I absolutely wasn’t ready, and despite how nice the flirting with her felt – and new for me – I didn’t try and push it any further.
Amber and I are still good friends to this very day. She’s married to her childhood sweetheart and has a couple of kids with him.
Then there was Sarah. Sarah was a disaster for me.
It had been about six months since the coffee meetup with Maddie, and I felt I had healed a lot, and Sarah and I really did hit it off. My low confidence probably affected how this one worked out, but it was this experience that killed off my confidence around women, pretty much for good.
It took a lot of energy for me to ask Sarah on a date, but somehow I managed. I was nervous as hell, and she had recently broken up with a long-term boyfriend, a guy who had been cheating on her and being emotionally and mentally abusive to her. Definitely good reasons to break up with someone.
She wanted to go slow, and that was fine by me – slow was what I really needed anyway.
The first date was a train wreck. I was so nervous that I could barely interact, and she was so timid after her breakup that there was a lot of silence going on. Not good.
A few days later I called her and suggested we give it another go – it had been so bad because we were both so not ready for it, that going on another we would at least know each other and feel a lot less awkward.
She agreed, and the second date was massively better. We both relaxed, and actually enjoyed ourselves, I thought we were ready for a third date as it was so happy and friendly. My usual lack of confidence was there, but I was dealing with it okay.
I called about a week later to ask her out for another date. I couldn’t believe how well I was doing, and I couldn’t believe I had gotten past two dates with someone. I was so proud of myself.
“Sarah, any ideas where you’d like to go on another date?” was my almost-confident question. I had gotten a slight vibe that she wasn’t into it as much as I was, but I was so happy to try.
“Andrew, thanks for the good times we’ve had, but I’m just not feeling this going much further. I’m really sorry.”
That stung, but given I had a vibe she might turn me down, I wasn’t completely shocked, and had even prepared myself for it.
I was okay – my confidence took a bit of a hit – but I was okay. Disappointed, but okay – though that’s the moment she chose to kick my legs out from underneath me.
“Andrew, if I’m being honest…” she started.
At this point I went on red alert. It had ended on a friendly note, and I thought it was amazing that although it wasn’t going to go any further, that it had ended nicely for a change. There was nothing more she needed to say.
Say plenty more she did.
“…if I’m being honest, if I had a choice between starting something with you, staying single, or going back to my abusive ex, I would choose him first, staying single second, and you third.”
Bang.
An abusive arsehole was a better option than me. Being with nobody was a better option than me. Those things were more interesting to her than me – and even if that was exactly how she felt, there was no need to say it.
It utterly destroyed me. What confidence I had built up? Gone in an instant.
I gave up. I wasn’t interested anymore. I couldn’t have cared if I stayed single for the rest of my life. Maddie wasn’t an option – and everyone else, with the possible exception of Amber, had kicked me in the guts.
I finished university and moved to the big smoke for work – a time I had planned to be joining Shannon in a much closer relationship, but obviously that had long since fizzled. Curiously, I discovered Amber had become single – the only time in her life that she wasn’t with her childhood sweetheart.
She would come and visit from time to time, and although we were never officially together, we were getting there – slowly – but getting there.
She was coming up to see me one Saturday so I could escort her while she did some shopping – but it was just an excuse to spend time together.
On the Thursday before, she called and asked for a rain check – she had to head home to deal with a family issue, but we’d try again for the following weekend.
I had a dream about Maddie that night – it was about sharing that Saturday with Maddie instead of Amber. Everything we had planned, but it was Maddie instead of her, now that Amber wasn’t coming.
At the end of the dream I turned to Maddie and said, “Goodbye Maddie”.
Yes.
I said goodbye to Maddie.