It was a strange time – still reveling in the love and support from Maddie, yet still healing from the pain of Nadine.
Things between Nadine and I were still fine – as I’ve previously talked about, we didn’t hate each other, we had just run out of steam. We still had a wonderful son to somehow raise together, and we were making that work, even when he spent most of his time with me.
As per my last post – (and shall I be honest, also per pretty much my entire life) – Maddie was the person I was leaning on. She was there when I needed her, never more than a phone call away.
In many ways, it felt like the support she gave me when Shannon had ripped up my heart 20 years beforehand. The warmth and the kindness she showed reminded me very much of that time.
The difference this time around was that I knew Maddie was seeing someone, and quite seriously at that. As such, I was very conscious of not calling her too often and not sending her too many text messages.
The very last thing I wanted to do was to cause her any pain and anguish by being responsible in even a small way towards her relationship failing.
When we did talk, she was brilliant – as always.
There was no doubt in my mind after so very many years that Maddie loved me, and that perhaps at times that that love may even have been a romantic love.
This just wasn’t one of those times, and as I always found myself when she was with someone, I was so very happy for her.
There wasn’t a single specific thing she did for me or said to me during this time that was any more or less significantly helpful to me. She was loving and supportive, consistent and kind.
In the initial few months, I leant on her more than I did later on, but nothing ever changed. She of course knew about my mental health battles, and how important it was for me to be heard and encouraged. She never strayed from that understanding.
As I said, as her relationship grew stronger, I kept a comfortable distance to show her that I cared that she had found someone special again – (and I absolutely did!) – and be respectful of both Maddie and her man.
The trouble for me was that I started to desperately miss her. I shouldn’t have, as it wasn’t as if we were talking every single day. Far from it in fact.
Yet my heart was aching terribly. I missed her every day, and wanted to talk to her every day.
So many times over the years she had been there for me, and she was doing it again. We loved each other very much – but I couldn’t be with her.
It was agonising. It was constant. It was a physical pain.
I loved Maddie, and I couldn’t see anything else – but like the good best friend, I was determined not to interfere with her relationship. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I did.
This process in my head went on for about two years – yes, two years.
It was like the old days – loving her from a distance, and not being able to do anything about it – but this time I was sure I was in love with her, when back then I probably only thought I was.
It was not good for my mental state. So many of the those same thought patterns I had when I was 12 and 13, trying to understand how I felt about her, were back and really affecting me in a deeply complex and emotional way.
I crashed.
I didn’t completely break down, but one morning I woke up so confused within myself, that I called in sick to work and went to see my doctor.
He took one look at me and asked me what the hell was going on. He told me he’d never known me like this before, and that he was concerned for me. I was rambling, incoherent, and not making sense to myself – so I wasn’t going to be making sense to him.
I told him as much as I was comfortable with explaining to him, and that I was able to explain. My blood pressure – (which is normally low) – was off the scale.
I was about a week and a half away from two weeks of annual leave from work, so he signed a medical certificate off to cover up until that day, therefore effectively giving me a month off work. I was upfront with my employer, and they were very supportive.
The doctor had sent me for a psych consult, and I was given some anti-depressants.
I was so happy that I had Maddie in my life as the beautiful friend she had almost always been, but I was desperately sad because I knew I was so in love with her by this stage, yet had no way to be with her.
The month away from work, someone to talk to, and that short course of medication lifted me off the floor.
The psychologist gave me some advice which appeared a bit negative on the surface, but turned out to be completely correct.
“…sometimes you have to bottom out completely before you can get better…”
I was completely bottomed out, and could completely feel it in almost every waking moment.
I felt so close to Maddie – closer than ever before. Yet, as usually seemed to happen, the timing was all wrong, and the distance between us could have been a thousand miles.
Oceans apart, day after day.
That song still held true.
Maddie still doesn’t know that I went through all of this, and I don’t know if I could ever tell her about it.
One day, I hope that I can.