Part of deciding to step away from Maddie a little was the need to find a way to fill that gap in my life that she had always filled.
I was still happy being single, but at times we were almost a surrogate partner for each other. We would talk about things that were personal – (not intimate necessarily) – to give each other something of a sounding board for things going on in our lives.
Having decided to take my romantic focus away from her, it was difficult to adjust to not having that regular connection.
I didn’t tell her that I was pulling back – the friendship was as strong as it had ever been, but for my own sake, I had to communicate a little less.
There was no way at all that I was going to cut her off, and there were still text messages and phone calls from time to time. I just deliberately did it less.
We still did our catch up lunches from time to time, but even those I tried to organise less regularly.
I never sensed that she was worried for our friendship or concerned that I was contacting her somewhat less often – but the dynamic did change a little. The things we talked about were less personal than before, but we both knew that the other would always be there when needed.
Maddie did enter a relationship with a guy – (I never met this one) – and she did talk about him from time to time – however I never got the feeling from her that she thought he would be the “forever guy” – it just sounded like companionship rather than love.
I wished for more than that for her – she deserved a “forever guy”.
I just couldn’t put myself in that position again, I couldn’t give her the feeling that that was what I was interested in – and at that time I wasn’t.
My decision to step back from her romantically was a decision I was completely comfortable with, and I didn’t want to compromise the process I was going through within myself by complicating it with feelings for Maddie again.
I still watched her with some envy, but I was feeling better about life than I had for a long time.
There were a few women drifting in and out of my view, but nobody really caught my eye enough to push anything serious with them.
I was completely okay with that.
Maddie and I never lost contact, but this was the most distant we had been for some time. I was happy for me for her to have some time to look the other way too.
I did miss her, and I also didn’t.
Did I ever really stop loving her though?
No.