I posted on Bluesky the other day after getting home from dropping Maddie at the airport for her flight to London to begin her work secondment.
I have been living outside of my body ever since, and I’ve done a lot of crying.
While there is currently no plan for her not to return to Australia at the end of the two years, and we will absolutely stay in touch while she’s away, I can’t help but feeling she is just……………..gone.
I can’t call her up and arrange a coffee or a lunch together. That’s been a regular part of both of our lives for quite a few years, so just not being able to do it – well, it hurts.
It was immensely gratifying that she asked me to drive her to the airport, and I think – (like me) – that it was painful for her to go. We’re not together, we’ve never been together, and she has her man.
But I think she’s feeling the “loss” too. Her asking me to drive her was an extended way for both of us to say goodbye.
She is still with her man, and while at this stage she has gone to London without him, he is apparently going to join her later.
Yet, in recent weeks, possibly even months – I’ve noticed her not talking about him as much, and interacting more with me. I’ve not pried into it, as it’s not my business – but there’s been a bit of a vibe that not everything is well.
If I were to keep my rational hat on, I would guess that’s about their impending time apart too. That they’ve been trying to understand how it all affects their relationship.
That would be absolutely fair enough, yet it’s all up to them – I’m not going to interfere.
Her increased interaction with me has been nice, but also strange. I don’t want to feel like I’m the “other man”. It has just been a little bit more, but enough more to be noticeable. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t want to think about it, lest it does my head in.
Which it would.
But for now, I don’t have my Maddie nearby, and it hurts like hell.
These next two years are going to be a nightmare.
My best friend. The only person who really gets me.
Half a planet away from me.
It’s not fair.