So I went to Maddie’s birthday with Shannon’s blessing – but I still felt a bit awkward. Should I have politely turned down Maddie’s invitation?
It would be easy to say “yes” looking at the situation unemotionally – and I don’t wish to play down the significance of the act of accepting it. I could have handled it all a lot better, that I know.
Maddie was one of the most important people in my life, and I also know now many years later that I would have regretted not going. That Shannon was so agreeable did surprise me, but the reason for that would become apparent after she returned from her pre-arranged holiday.
I was about to have a both a wonderful and terrible few months, all at the same time.
I always knew where Maddie’s house was. Back then they had this thing called a “phone book” that published almost everyone’s address, and every house was given a free copy. Sounds completely stupid in this day and age where people hold privacy so important.
I had never been to her house though – so I approached the evening with many emotions going through me. This was a place I had always wanted to visit – hopefully as her boyfriend – so many times over the years I had known her.
Yet here I was on this night – in a relationship with someone else – approaching her front door for the very first time. I knocked and her mother answered, and I was invited inside.
The next person I saw was Maddie, running down the corridor to hug the stuffing out of me. While we had hugged a few times over the years, this was different. This was a real hug, a warm and loving hug. I was probably smiling like an idiot.
Then she kissed me on the cheek, and I kissed hers. This was completely new.
As far as birthday parties go, it in itself was just a normal birthday party for a group of early 20’s friends. Loud music, alcohol, flirting and the other usual carry on.
What I didn’t notice was anyone “with” Maddie – it would seem that if she was seeing anyone, they weren’t here, just as Shannon was not with me. Or she was single.
She hadn’t mentioned anyone during our phone call.
Given she had obviously just come home to Australia, this kind of made sense to me. Maddie knew about Shannon – we had talked a fair bit about her on the phone when she invited me along, and she never made any inference about anything other than being happy and supportive that I had found someone.
That’s just the way Maddie is.
But her calling me “babe” on the phone was in the back of my mind. I still wasn’t sure about Shannon, but I was committed to that relationship in the sense that I wanted to see where it would work out and come to. I had put a lot of energy into it, and I was here with Shannon’s blessing and I respected her for that.
The thing is, Maddie and I spent most of the evening around each other. We talked a lot, not about anything specific, but catching up and talking the shit that friends talk about when catching up after a long break. It was probably the most relaxed we had ever been with each other and I have to admit it felt nice.
Yet, we still hadn’t tackled the subject of our chat in the school library – now more than five years previous.
We didn’t on this night either – you could tell it was “there” beneath the surface, but this wasn’t the time or the place – and Maddie had shown nothing but the utmost respect for the relationship that Shannon and I were in.
We hugged tightly and kissed cheeks again at the end of the night. I don’t remember the time, it might have been 2am. Just talking to her again made me feel fantastic.
I had spent a lot of time thinking about what Shannon meant to me while she was away on her short holiday, because the last time I saw her before she left on her trip she told me that she loved me.
“I love you,” were her exact words.
This knocked me off my feet – this was the first time since Maddie had used those words to me way back in the first year of high school that someone had said them to me. I decided to use the time that she was going to be away – (around 7 to 10 days if my memory serves) – and try and decide whether it was time to take things a step further.
By the time she returned, I was ready to use the same words back to her.
Yet Maddie was still a question in mind. A question that I now felt would probably not be answered for quite some time, if ever.
The thing is, the answer came a lot sooner than I could possibly have imagined.