I’m ready to start a new category – given the main story I have told on this site has now reached the present day, this is me going back and filling in little moments in time between Maddie and myself. Colouring in the gaps, if you like.
This particular moment was both terrifying and wonderful, exciting and nerve racking – all at the same time.
Once a year, the school Maddie and I went to together held ballroom dancing lessons during PE classes. I say typically, because I don’t remember it happening in our Year 7 classes, but certainly in Years 8, 9, and 10 we did.
Most students hated it, especially me.
Maddie was – as you know – always in my heart through our school years. Even at times there were feelings for others, I still always loved her. That’s never changed.
As we were not in the same class group again until Year 10, I always hated the ballroom dancing block of “syllabus”.
It meant I had to put my arms around and hold hands with girls who, well………………..weren’t Maddie.
Of course, not meaning disrespect to them – but I always felt awkward and a little bit icky to be in contact with another girl in that way.
It actually depressed me.
By the time Year 10 came along and we were back in the same class group, although there was still a feeling of not really wanting to do ballroom dancing, the one spark was the chance to do it with Maddie.
To put the time in context, it had been a few months since our chat in the library, and we still of course hadn’t completely cleared the air in which we stood with each other.
So this was still an odd time in our friendship – we cared for each other, but didn’t know what that meant.
The classes were always in the school gym, in two circles of about 30 students – a circle of the boys on the inside, and a circle of the girls on the outside. The girls would move around the circle of boys, one-by-one, and share a chorus of ballroom dancing together, before the next move around the circle.
Usually a couple of minutes each – so within the hour-long class, each girl got to dance with each of the boys for those couple of minutes.
It still felt ‘wrong’ to dance with girls who weren’t Maddie – and the whole time I was watching the circle move around, getting closer and closer to my turn to dance with Maddie.
Because things were still a bit distant between us, there was a slight tension when we found ourselves with our arms around each other.
That said, it was still a warm moment between us. We greeted each other with a smile and a hello – saying some of the words without saying some of the words.
It felt fabulous to be close to her. It was almost intimate.
It was the first time I had really held her, aside from a few hugs over the years.
My heart was pounding, and it broke my heart when the music and Maddie moved onto the next pairing, letting someone else be close to her.
It was still so beautiful though.
I remember we caught ourselves in a stare and smiling like idiots at each other.
I felt like kissing her – but it wasn’t the time for that, even if it would have been frowned upon during class.
It is all so clear in my mind – if I walked back into that school gym today, I believe I could place myself right on the same spot – the memory is that clear.
I still don’t know what the future holds for Maddie and I, but if there is ever to be anything – this was our first truly personal moment together.