As I write this live moment tonight, I’m starting to feel a little better about things. I still miss Maddie deeply and profoundly – but now that she’s settled a little, and we’re talking even though we are half a world apart, I can feel our closeness again.
I hate that I can’t just call her up and have lunch – but she’ll be back one day.
I’ve actually just been reading back through the posts on this site, and joining dots in my head – thinking about some of the blanks I want to fill in. Colouring the story in between the lines, so to speak.
When I read back, naturally by mind locks back into how I felt at the various points along the journey, and the twists and turns of the road.
Tonight one thing the really became clear was how unlucky Maddie has been in love. I don’t mean to make it sound like there have been dozens of men in her life – (because there simply haven’t been) – but the various men who have come along all have seemed perfect for her at first, or at least, the ones I have met myself over the years.
She’s been engaged a couple of times, but never gotten married. The men have seemed to me to all have been quite different from one another – Maddie doesn’t seem to have “a type”.
Things seem to go well for a while – and suddenly she’s single again. She rarely says anything about it, her photos on Facebook just suddenly start including herself only.
I never ask. I know she would talk to me about it if she wanted to and/or needed too. I would also never pry.
Yet tonight, I’m just sitting here simply not understanding how they have all allowed her to get away.
How could anyone let this amazing woman get away from them?
I know that pain because I’ve managed to let her get away any number of times – and so I get how crazy they have been to let her get away too.
I look into Maddie’s magnificent blue eyes, coupled with the warmest smile you could ever know, and feel the kindest heart in the world.
Yet, just like me – so often she ends up alone.
I’ve never wished it upon her, even if it gave myself more chance to have chance with her again. Her current partner seems to me to be a really great guy and I wish the best for them, even if it gave myself less chance to have a chance with her again.
Yet selfishly, there is a tiny little part of me that wishes it on my loneliest nights – but I’m not going to be the catalyst.
If we ever end up together, it will be because we find each other – not because one of us forced anything.
Tonight I just see those blue eyes. and the pain she hides behind them – I just hope she doesn’t end up alone ever again.