That first year of knowing and adoring Maddie in many ways was fantastic. In many ways it was complicated and in some ways, depressing.
I knew how I felt about her – (at least as much as a 12-year-old could know) – and seeing her every day was a joy.
I have always struggled with my mental health over the years, and this is a time I can start to trace my struggles back to. I was painfully shy, completely lacking in confidence, and didn’t have the slightest idea how to interact with Maddie on any personal level.
We were friends, absolutely – but expressing myself beyond that was impossible. Telling her how I felt was something that just wasn’t going to happen – I didn’t know how to – and at that time, in its own way, that was okay.
I was comfortable within myself to love her from a distance. Anything more than that was utterly terrifying.
So the day that she told me she loved me was an immensely confusing moment in my life.
I was sitting on a bench seat preparing for the next class nearing the end of lunch one day when I saw her approaching. As always I smiled – just to have a moment with her, any moment, was fantastic.
As she passed, simply said “I love you Andrew”…and kept walking. She turned her head back at me as she continued on, and flashed her amazing smile.
I left my body.
This probably sounds silly, but I mentally and emotionally disconnected from reality at that moment. I heard her, it made me feel amazing – but it registered in my brain in such a way that it didn’t seem real.
I had heard her, but I didn’t hear her.
That thing that just happened? It didn’t just happen.
It would have been so easy to respond that I loved her too – but I didn’t have the emotional ability to even recognise what she was saying, let alone find any way to respond. It wasn’t even scary like I had thought telling her how I felt might be like.
It just didn’t register beyond the words.
Almost 40 years later, I can close my eyes and picture that moment perfectly.
It is imprinted.
Over the coming few weeks, there were other messages that I missed too. Like deliberately telling someone that she really liked me when I was within earshot – just so I would hear it.
Asking a friend of mine to try and ask me what I thought of her. I fumbled that one too.
It all seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it?
It wasn’t to me. All this time later I feel like a complete fool about those few weeks. Maddie was trying to tell me she loved me, and despite what should have been obvious messages, I missed them all.
I’m shaking my head even as I type these words. Why would she love me?
I was a fool. The king of fools.