There is just too much distance in my life at the moment, and my head is in a lot of different places.
Maddie has been strangely a little less near the front of my mind. We still talk at least a couple of times a week, and still send each other silly and funny videos on social media.
I guess I’m now somewhat used to being without her nearby, so the pain isn’t as raw.
It still hurts, but I’m coping.
Except this weekend, I’m really struggling, and I have cried a fair bit.
Not for any specific reason, not even about Maddie so much. Just an intense loneliness and feeling of emptiness. I’m not even sure why I’m feeling that way.
I mean, they are fairly simple words to understand on the surface, and they are exactly how I feel right now, but there’s more to it and I don’t understand.
It almost feels like things were during my university years, when Maddie was around but we didn’t really keep in contact, at least not until she invited me to her birthday.
Of course, not long after that, we were not in any kind of contact for more than a decade.
I just can’t process things tonight.
It just hurts.
Physically.
Not to be close to anybody.
My son is sound asleep 10 metres away in his bedroom, and now that he is beyond his teen years, hugs and cuddles are different than when he was 10.
But I still feel like I am here alone.
I just want to be touched. Held.
It has been so long since I’ve felt any genuine affection that I’m scared I wouldn’t know what to do if the chance arose.
I’m scared I would make a complete fool of myself.
My cat is here – she’s even on the bed right now as I type, giving me goofy “put your laptop away” looks.
One day I will find someone, and more than likely it will not be Maddie.
But until that day…