I spoke in my last post of how I have been feeling so calm of late, and feeling good about myself and my feelings for Maddie.
Specifically, I said:
“I’ve not been ignoring this site and my feelings, but I’ve had a lot going on.”
I guess it is fair to say I left a fair bit of detail out of that statement. It most certainly is a correct statement, but the bit I left out was that I have been seeing a psychologist again, for the first time in a long time – and absolutely not ashamed of it at all.
In fact, my decision to do that came at a time when I was starting to find myself feeling good again – but also that I wanted to understand within myself just how far I have come in recent times.
We talked about how I had been wondering if everything I felt for Maddie after more than 40 years was nothing more than just limerence.
We talked about how I had been really struggling with Maddie being so far away, yet are still emotionally very close to each other and still talk to each other all the time, despite the distance and her existing relationship.
I always seem to pick female psychologists. Perhaps since the first one I saw when I was about 18 was female and she was chosen for me, I find some comfort in replicating that situation as best I can?
Doesn’t matter.
While she did agree that a lot of my behaviour shows limerent traits, she also feels that perhaps Maddie has a similar limerent link to me. She felt that while that is possible, the fact that we remain close, have genuine affection for each other, and both still foster the “relationship” we share, that the negatives that can come out of limerent attachment might be countered by the healthy nature of the relationship in many non-limerent ways.
It’s not hard to argue that there is a certain level of obsession I have for Maddie. I couldn’t sit across from a trained psychologist and deny that. She would see through a statement that I wasn’t obsessed with her in a matter of moments.
I’m not a good liar.
In the time I have been considering if my feelings are nothing more than limerence, the fact that I have been able to look at Maddie and myself from such a different angle has actually been a big help in finding some peace within myself.
I’ve never convinced myself that that’s all it is – it is far more than that, and the psychologist agrees that there is more to it – but that in the end despite Maddie and I knowing that we love each other, there’s a barrier we have built that holds us both back.
I’m not sure if I mentioned in a previous post about our most recent school reunion and about how we almost kissed. Like, a genuine proper romantic kiss. We had spent most of the reunion more or less in each other’s pockets – we were just enjoying being back together in our home town, and sharing each other’s company in the places we first knew each other.
At the end of the night as we were getting in our cars and standing on the footpath outside our old school, giving each other a much needed hug, as we drew back from that hug, the kiss almost happened.
We’ve never done that before, and although it really felt like it was about to occur, I felt scared and politely held back.
Was I an idiot?
It is something that I have talked a lot about with this new psychologist – why did I hold back?
She said quite quickly and confidently:
“Andrew, you’re afraid of losing Maddie. A kiss would have changed many things, many things you didn’t want to face. If it is meant to be, the chance will come again…”
And I think she’s right.